Call me Lady

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I ate a straw this morning.
I was at MacDonalds eatin they new shrimp biscuit with egg and cheese, mindin my own business, readin the paper and laughin at the funnies. You know, just havin a real good old time. I reach for my coffee, place the straw to my mouth and take a sip. Just then a gun shot rings out behind me, some man I do not know falls right on top of the back of my neck. I hear glass shatter and my face is slammed down onto my coffee, then onto the table. smack.

The straw goes down my throat to a point at which I cannot retrieve it.

I had to swallow it and pray for the best. As if that weren't enough please, I stand up, straw all swallowed, and am covered in blood by the man that was lying on top of me. I start crying and the manager asked me to stay calm, the police have been called. I said ok, sat back down and finished Garfield. He funny.

Yo Landlord
So I was talking to a realtor friend of mines, Naomi. (I hate her name by the way. Naomi. It sound like a pasta do it not?) She trying to convince me to buy an apartment building to make money for myself. I told her I could not afford it but she say she can get me credit through this friend she got up at her bank, First Mutual of Our Good Lady. It's a religious bank. Do not judge. I told her I already had $30,000 in credit card debt plus a diamond ring on lay-away at Rabbit Jerrlry Shop down the road. She said none of that mattered. I laughed in her face, hiccupped by accident and then coughed up the diamond ring. Apparently I had forgotten that the day I put the ring on lay-away, I also tried to steal it by "swallow", but done forgot about that. I took this as a sign I should "go for it" and told Naomi (hate that name!) to sign me up.

She make a call to her friend right there on her cell phone. I walk across the street to the food mart for a ice cream cookie sandwich. Those remind me of Easter. I come back and she say I got approved!

We went straight to her office to look at apartment buildings on her computer. I found one within my price range and we made an offer. Girl, they took it and now I am the proud owner of a 80-family apartment building! We close in two weeks.

Crime
A neighborhood dog came up at my faces yesterday and peed right on my stoop. I picked up a brick and one of my neighbors, LaGrink, scream at me from her stoop.

"You stone that dog and I stone yo a**."

I put the brick down and pet the dog. It seemed to smile at me through it's mangy fur covering it's eyes. I pet it on it's head. It must have had a sore on there cuz he went crazy and lunged for my gullet. Girl I reacted so fast even LaGrink didn't see me. I toss the dog in the air, did a three-spotted kick and got that dog straight clear across the street within two seconds. It landed on a mattres, so it lived. It shook it's head and walked it's way half down the block before a car ran up onto the sidewalk and kill it.

Y'all. Dogs is stupid.

-LR

Tyra & Nicole: hos

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Tyra and Nicole
Have you seent this video of them shopping? It is absurd. They filming a episode of The Tyra talk show with Nicole as a guest. I guess Tyra wanted to see what it was like walking around with all them cameramen clickin away. So they went shopping and sure enough, the cameramen swarmed in. They filmed the tv show while all the people was snappin photos. So, the cameramen became the star of her show, and she didn't even pay them! Work that stuff OUT Tyra.

Shayla and her burrito
I had a bean and nut burrito yesterday at "Burr-Eat-To" which be this hot little place where all the white people come and eat. I have a white friend named Shayla, and Shayla invited me to eat there with her after she got her tubes tied at a place a couple blocks away. She was tired so I had to carry her from the tubes-tyin place to the burrito place, but it was all good. she paid for my lunch! (I wish I would have knowd that she were goin to do that before I ordered. I would have ordered more.) But, once she paid the bill I politely screamed for the waiter and ordered some fried ice cream and a chocolate whale. The chocolate whale is something they only sell for specials occasions, and since she got her tubes tied and she was paying, it was special. It costs $45 and comes in a bright pink box. The lights dim, the waiters come out and clap and a full mariachi band sings yo favorite song. Well, your favorite song in Spanish. I asked them if they knew "Tell it to My Heart" by Taylor Dayne, and they DID!

As I carried shayla out to the bus stop, she told me she really wished I had not ordered the chocolate whale. I dropped her and walked onto the bus. Left her for dead.

I am a lonely woman
Today I woke up and wanted to turn around and go back to sleep. Ain't no reason to get up. I am jobless. Yes, I lost my job I had for a month picking lobsters out of the tuna nets on a boat that sells them to Perkins. I'd come home every night feeling so good about myself for working so hard in the hot, hot sun, that I started to really enjoy my life. A window had opened and it was all because of this job. And then I showed up split-haired drunk and they fired me. They not only fired me, they had me escorted off the boat. I was cursing and yelling and I made them drag me up the stairs, across the deck and onto the dock, where they laid me down just as the boat sailed off. The two men who carried me hopped back on the boat. One of them was my boyfriend, my job boyfriend anyways, Toots.

Toots and me met because we got hired the same day. We was talkin in the lobby of the Perkins Fishery Human Resources Building on the Perkins Industries Campus, a huge 300 acre place out in the middle of nowhere. We had to take a bus, then a train, then be lifted by air craft (it wasn't no plane and it wasn't no helicopter. I'd never seen anything like it before until that day. I will just say it were a aircraft and leave it at that).

As we waited to be interviewed, I dropped my pencil and he picked it up. I said thank you and he said "Anytime, Luscious." I giggle and told him to give me at his number, so he did. He handed me a scrap of paper, actually it were a napkin. And on the back of the napkin was blood. I asked him what it was and he said he didn't know. he found the napkin onthe street and used it when he needed to blow his nose. I said, "Is this your blood?" He said no and I smiled, put it in my purse and kept on talking, while inching my legs opener and opener, so he could see the inside of my thighs. I had jeans on, but mens can still get turned on by the sight of the inside of a woman's thighs. Am I right, men, please?

He got called in first and his interview took ten minutes. I timed it. Then I went in. An hour later I came out crying. But he was gone. Gone, except for another piece of that bloody napkin which he left up on his chair where he was sittin in. It said "Call me, please, Luscious."

I did, we got crunk and then we was workin together. I would say it was akward but it was not. It was heaven. I really thought I was turning my life around. One night after a card game with my neighbors, a drink with the lady next door and a nice long dog walk with Tiki and her new Puppy named "Alamo," I laid down on my couch, covered myself with a bag of Chips Ahoy and watched tv for seven hours. When I woke up, I said to myself, "This be the life, ho. This be the life."

And now I am fired.

Greener grass is only across the fence right? I am smiling, Lord. I am smiling.

-LR

Episode 51 is here!

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People have been asking me for the mp3 of the show, so here it be:

Show 51: Xtube

If you are not subscribed, click here and choose from many podcast delivery options. Itunes is there, but so are many other ways to get at the show, please.

About the show 51...It refers to some nasty stuff, so get ready. It's not yo mamma's Lady Raptastic show. Put yo ears over your hands, please.

I had a ham sandwich today for lunch and thought that would fill me up. No. It took four before I felt full. Ham sandwiches is stupid. Next time I am going to make triple meat ham sandwiches and skip all the toruble of gettin up from the tv to make more food. One stop shopping is all I need.

I have asked all my friends to stop using the phrase "It's the bomb" after all that has happened in England. They have complied, but said they would only not use it in front of me. I said fine by me. It were a compromise i was willing to make. The less I hear of the word "bomb" the better.

-LR

Nobody be Listenin

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Ain't nobody listenin no mo
Show 50 of the Lady Raptastic podcast is not bein listenin to at. Ony about 300 people clicked itself. Why is this? Do my show suck? I know that last one was not my best, but it wasn't no piece of dung now.

Lady Raptastic inspires two of my boos
I live my life the way I see fit, and yesterday I got two shout outs for inspiring people because of it! The first person I inspired is Gentleman Snattchtastic. Dis what he wrote on his brand new blog: "Welcome to the Gentleman Snattchtastic blog and hopefully soon, podcast! I'm taking a page from the book of Lady Raptastic and trying this out for myself." I am very proud of my boo, Gentleman Snattchtastic. a blog and a podcast forthcomin! Okaaay! Go to his new page and his blog, do a friend request and subscribe to his blog. He is a musical genius and, as I learned recently, the creator of the Xtina song. He good is he not?

The second person I inspired was The WTF Show, a new friend: "...This show was inspired by the Lady Raptastic PodCast (LadyRaptastic.com or MySpace.com/LadyRaptastic). I'm your average college kid with a high speed connection and a Mac. (so much better than windows) There is an actual website coming, but I'll keep the myspace page updated also!" I am excited to see what this new podcast turn out to be. I need to listenin pleasure, and since he was raised on the Lady, you know his show will be good due to his exposure to good a** podcasting, okaaaay!!?

Yelp stupid.
Yelp was broughten to my attention by a friend and I have to say this: it's stupid, please. Random people review places like restaurants and truck stops and FRUIT STANDS:

"This quaint stand on the sidewalk has beautifully arranged fruit--from bananas, cherries, lemons, apples, oranges, pineapples... I pulled out my camera to take a picture of the seemingly depressed vendor and his stand, with the backdrop of a huge truck of empty fruit boxes in the street. Once he saw us, his face lit up, and my friend started to pretend he was going to buy fruits for the sake of posing for the picture. We couldn't leave empty handed. After all, he gave me the purest and most honest smile I saw all day. I told my friend that I wanted bananas, and he bought two pieces, for a quarter each. We're cheap bastards. Though the bananas were on the verge of becoming over-ripe, I was glad to have this slice of New York City life at 1:05am."

Borat look funny
I seen this preview of a movie called "Borat" that I think is funny. I wish he could be my new co-host. The movie look like he go around the country making fun of people. That's funny. I like to make fun of people. One time I tore this girl up on a bus bench and she was so upset she started crying. Then all three of her daughters started crying. You do not mess with the Lady Raptastic, please.

-LR

Who is the Killers?

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I got a message from these people yesterday that about collapsed my lungs. Please read and attack them at your leisure with all of the myspace tools available at yo fingertips (comments):

"How dare u to call KEVIN FEDERLINE white trash?? BRITNEY Rocks! and Christina is just a d*** whore same as u!!... i cant wait for your dead!! d*** whore!!

HAVE A BAD DAY BI***!!!

BS&KF Are the Sh**!!!!"

What are these people talking about? When did I say that Britney and Kevin Federline was trash? That leads me to my next topic of discussions and debates. Gentleman Snatchtastic sent me a link to a Xtina fan message board posting that features the a-4-mentioned Britney and Kevin bashing by myselves...but not in the written word. In SONG!

What is this song you ask yoselves? Let me illiterate. Well, no, shoot, I am lazy. Listen to show 50.2 where it explains the whole thang and even includes the song. Thank you Gentleman Snatchtastic for allerting me to this wonderful, possibly, thang that is about to happen. Me! Onthe new Xtina album! Okaaaay!?

UPDATE
So this ho wrote me back:

Sooooooooooo Sorry!! somebody told me that u say nasty things about Britney, so i say all those bad words to u!!! Oops... i did it again! Sorry! ur not a whore!! i like Christina too...

I wonder if she sentme that before or after she sent me that comment below this post?

Also, I am sad her ignorance overshadowed the good thang that happened: that I might be on the Xtina album! Did you listen to the song? I am so excited!

-LR

Ring!

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Ring a ding ding
I got a new pearl ring today with a store credit card. It cost $800 and it is so fine. I took it over to my friend Caroline's house and she was all "It's fake! It's fake!" I told her it wasn't and showed her the receipt. Ain't nothing fake that costed $800, am I right?

She shut her face and we went on a joy ride through her neighborhood on her rickshaw. Yes, she has a rickshaw, ho. A real live Asian rickshaw she bought on ebay for $500. She takes it instead of the bus sometimes, when she can find a homeless man to pull her a** around. Today we found one after only ten minutes of hunting. He went slow, but we only paid him $5 to take us ten miles, so what do you expect?

We went riding all around the neighborhood, up and down backstreets and alleyways, drankin the whole time. It's technically ain't drankin and driving if someone else is pullin. A cop did stop us to ask if we had a license for the homeless man. We said we didn't know we needed to have one, so the cop pulled the homeless man out of the shackles and took him away. We was stuck there with no one to pull us.

Caroline look at me. "Oh hell no,ho." She flashed a ten dollar bill.

I was hauling her down the main street back home quicker than you can say horse. Shoot, for ten dollars I have done worser things. Okaaay!?

-LR

Episode 50: Sinkful

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Show 50: 33 minutes of Lady Love
I just released show 50 about a minute ago, so if you are not subscribed, please do so right now before I beat you with yo own fake-leather boot.

Show 50 notes:
-Neal Bortz likes me (Read his mention of me: "Have you heard of Lady Raptastic? Well, evidently talking about the FairTax has a rather unusual affect on some of her body parts."
-anorexia
-Opening Monologue Number 1: furniture store Chrsitmas tree
-Letters from Killa Cam and Chocolate Cake
-News about Meat Sheets and homeless bloggers
-Depends is a new sponsor of the show
-Opening Monologue Number 2: Sinkfull causes problems
-Apology for my awful show without Chris

Stats on my a**
967 people have come up on my myspace blog already today. Dang! I am a popular ho. I can't wait for the day when I go over one thousand. I will break out the bubbly, slip on my shirt and sit on my stoop and drink the night away. (Yes, right now I am topless. I usually am before 5pm. It's natural. Please...do not judge.)

I am in love
I seen him in line last night in the grocery store holding one of them little green baskets. I peep inside his basket and all he got is healthy stuff: fat free cheese, a bottle of water and a bottle of soy sauce. He must be a health nut. I am right behind him so I "accidently" bursh against his crotch with the back of my knuckles as I go to pick up the new Star magazine. (The one with that 90210 ho on the cover with her botched surgery face she "claims" is not sugerized. Please. Lineless and emotionless: surgerized. And what is with all the 90210 hos gettin attention these days. That horse faced one's daddy died and her UGLY mamma be cuttin her out of the will... Who else will come crawling out of the woodwork and have some eating disorder or panic attack or heart murmor or be gay?)

So back to hot man with the healthy basket. He stepped back and said "Excuse me?" and I said "There's more where that came from." I pick up a sausage log I had in my basket and start stroking it like it was on fire. He pushed by me and switched lines.

THE HUNT WAS ON!

I pushed the people behind me out of the way with my basket and followed him to the line he got in. He turned around and asked me to leave him alone. I said, "How can beauty be left alone? My hands was made to stroke you." I picked up the sausage again but he pushed by me, knocking the sausage out of my hands and my purse off my shoulder. A Korean woman picked it up for me and handed it to me. She said "Ooh that man is fine." I agreed, we did a high five, giggle then punch each other in each other's cheek cuz we legalized hos.

I left my basket behind (someone can put alll them groceries back for me. It's they job) and ran after him. He ran to the back of the store and into the bathroom. I grab a fire extinguisher from off the wall next to the men's room and start sweet talkin him through the door.

"Baby please come out and meet me. I am a nice ho...a nice girl. I can make your fantasies all come true." And with that, (You ever seen a stripper in a dirty magazine cover herself in whip cream?) I stripped down (No one was around. It was midnight) and shot myself with the fire extinguisher all over my body. You could not see the naughty parts but my arms and face were exposed. I sat there like a wrapped present, waiting for him to come out.

I waited.

For six hours.

I was woken up by the store manager who yelled for me to put my clothes on and get out. By that time the white fire extinguisher stuff had melted off me onto the floor, causing the floor to be wet. I stood up to collect my clothes and fell down again. I laughed and the store manager threatened to call the police. I look up at him...naked, clutching my wet clothes and snippets of my dignity and I said this...

"Sir. You ever been in love? You ever taste the rainbow? You ever climbed mount happiness and taste the sugar-sweet gooey goodness of hot tenderness and blessed rapture? I have. It's why I can sit here and not be humiliated. I am filled with the salty goodness of l'amour, mon papite. So when you call the cops, and I hope you do, tell them this woman is not only naked, not only sleeping in your store, not only refusing to leave and not only doing a fantastic monologue...

She is in love."

The cops got there and escorted me out. I never saw the man come out of the bathroom. I don't know if I will ever see his a** again. But if I do, so help me, I will wrap my body around him like a cocoon and never release him till he turn into a butterfly from within my Lady grasp.

Okaaaay!!?!