Adventure

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I have a bag of taco bell beside me. They need to hire me as they sponsor because I rang they bell far too mch these days. I love me Gordita.

So I am sure y'all heard about the clash between Xtina and Mariah, right? First of all, Xtina got a new album coming out. So, she posed buck doo doo naked on the June GQ, then she diss Mariah, saying at a party in 2001, Mariah yelled at her but it's ok because Mariah was probably "heavily medicated." Please, Xtina. You do not need to start drama to sell albums. I heard yo album is going to be good so stop the drama and sang girl.

I left the house this morning and something did not feel right. I sat down ont he bus and something did not feel right. I went to the bathroom: my underwear was on backwards. I stepped out of them and tried to put them back on, but I slipped on the wet floor (probably a pee puddle) and fell and cracked my head wide open. Blood pouring everywhere. i stand up and run out the bathroom with blood on my head and hands, still clutching my underwear. I run to a waitress (I was in a diner) and she screamed and asked me to leave. I ran to the manager and he told me to get out. I looked in the mirror and I looked like Carrie from the movie Carrie, holding a pair of underwear. I was so embarrassed i said to myself real loud "Lady...put yo drawers back on, get to a hospital yoself cuz these white people will not help you." I put the bloody underwear back on and walked out of the diner....then passed out from the blood loss.

I woke up in intensive care. My head was bandaged and my eyesite was poor. This Italian doctor named Ivan was sitting next to me, holding my hand and asking me questions when I woke up. I reached up and touched his baby smooth face and fingered his curly long hair. I pulled his hair and his beautiful head to me and french kissed him with my tongue going so into his mouth he choked. I could taste some vomit. That's ok. It happens.

He told me to never do that again. I ws so horny from being asleep for so long (and from being doped up on morphine pills) I pulled the sheets off my bed and pulled my hospital gown up over my face.

"Take me...my head wounde is mended but my body has a hole that needs some repair."

He called a nurse in. They sedated me, and pushed my bed into another ward. I fell asleep on the way there.

I woke up and I saw retarded men all around me, strapped to beds, crying and moaning like whales and retarded men. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse come up to my bed. She must have been 90, barely could walk, no teeth and hair down to her butt, unbraided and all white and dead like a walking corpse with hair. I fainted.

I am writing you from the hospital email center. I have to go. Long white haired lady is coming for me. Pray for the Lady.

-LR

Never babysit again

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I have been alone all day and it has been quite wonderful. I have slept for three hours and before that me and a little baby I was watching played with blocks. While I slept I put the baby in a pen with it's toys. It never woke me up. That was so nice.

The Mother, however, was another story. She came to pick up the baby and she told me she did not have the money she owed me for watching the baby all day. I put the baby in the oven and locked it, told the mother she better get the money or I was gonna eat her baby. She pulled a knife on me, cut a knick out my left cheek, got her baby out the oven (she cut the lock with her knife) and left my apartment. I screamed down the stairs at her to bring me my money and she screamed back that she wouldn't.

I chased her down the stairs and out into the night air where there was, for some reason, no street lights on. It was pitch black. I looked around and then felt a hard object hit my face: it was a brick. I saw her run with the baby towards the bus stop. I looked around for my neighbor's skateboard (he always keep it up under the stairs) and found it. I wheeled my way closer and closer to her. Then I heard her yell "Abigail, now!" and as soon as she said that a 6 foot tall homeless woman come out of nowhere and body slammed me to the ground. I heard her breathing heavy above me like she was a sea monster about to devour me. I took the skateboard and wack her inthe mouth. She didn't budge. I kicked her between her legs: nothing. Finally, I said "They giving away free chips at the store!" She took off like a ravenous dog after a piece of dead leper homeless woman fall off right in front of it.

I seen the mamma still runnin in the dark. I let her go and went back inside. I am now tired and a little bruised. i think my hip bone might need replacing.

-LR

Paper Cutter

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I borrowed a paper cutter from my neighbor Enrita to cut up some invitiations for a party I am giving for a friend. I shall not name the name of the friend because they might read this blog. They do read this blog. Anyways, I am throwing him/her a congratulatory party for passing a very hard test they was studying for two years for. He/she went through heck and back and I am rewarding her with a nice party with food, drinks, a live mariachi band and a light-up dance floor I am having brought in from my friend Zazzy's party rental shop.

The thing is, I was cutting up the invitations and I cut a piece of my ear off. I was getting real close to the board with my face and the phone rang. I swear at the same time it felt like a rattlesnake was up on my back so i turned around quickly. The vase of flowers got knocked over which made the blade come down onto my ear. It's not the whole ear, just the dangly part you stick earings in.

I went to the doctor and he said he could not repair the damage. I said "Who?" He said it was unfixable. I threw the ear at him and ran out.

I went back in and picked up the ear and went to another doctor who fixed it. I went back to the other doctor and showed him. He could not beleive it. I said "Believe it, ho. You a quack." I walked up to the front desk and told them the whole story. They fired him on the spot and bought me dinner and made me sign some piece of paper they said would save my life. I signed it quickly.

People cannot mess with LR!

-LR

stuffed blood up my nose

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I shot a booger into a napkin at breakfast that looked like a rice cake. Hard and chewy but crispy at the same time. I put the napkin into my lap and went about my breakfast, but my friend Cherelle asked me what I "just did." I told her I was sick and she said "Well you need to not sit with us if you are sick. Go sit in the kitchen or something."

We was at Waffle House.

I said, "Cherelle, please. It was just a little booger." She got all crazy, throwing her fork down, asking to be let out of the booth by my other friend Tay, and walking around outside talking on her cell phone. I sat there and ate my waffle with the booger securely fastened to the inside of my napkin on my lap.

She walked back in and said, "I just called the cops. I told them a giant woman was harrassing me and they said they'd be right over." I hopped over the booth, over my friend Asia, and walked down the street to the bus stop. 30 minutes passed before a bus came. i did not know where it was going, but I got on anyways. I was tired and fell asleep.

I ended up in Wisconsin.

More to come.

-LR

Many is a lot

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Many people have listened to show 47. I am very proud. It's been available 2 days and already you hos is all up in my stuff. Spread da word and tell yo white friends about my show because I want to keep this show up and running.

I had my toes sucked on last night by a man named Tony. he a white 57 year old retired man with a dead wife and a large one bedroom apartment. He had me over for ice cream and toe sucking. I laid back and he went to town. After 20 minutes, the stuff beneath my nails ws cleaned out and my cuticles was done very well. Also, the surface of the bottom of my feet is remarkably smoother. I recommend a good toe and foot sucking from Tony if you know him.

Criffer (one of my mypsace friends) did a survey that is funny. If he is your friend, you need to read it. If not, you lose and you do not get to hear about his nasty thoughts. Criffer- make love to me.

I had a penny in my hand when I was walking to the store and dropped it. it rolled into the sewer. I was so mad I picked up a potted plant on a stoop and threw it at the wall. The lady who owned the plant came out and gave me a tongue lashing (not a toe sucking). I felt bad so I told her I'd go and buy her a new one. She did not believe me, so I took her with me to a local floral shop. We looked for another plant like hers and I bought it. She carried it out of the store and refused to walk back to her house with me, but rather walked a foot in front of me, with her nose in the air. I asked her to walk with me and she refused, saying I was crazy.

I picked up an empty box and swung it at her lower back. She fell down onto her knees and dropped the plant. I grabbed it and ran to my house, up the stairs and locke dthe dooor to my apartment. She came about five minutes later banging on the door. I shot my gun once into the ceiling, trying to scare her. Pieces of ceiling fell into my eyes and I was blinded. She slammed through the door and I could not see her. She grabbed the plant just as it fell from my hands and scooted out the door. I was blinded and went to the kitchen to wash my eyes. The water was not working so I was still blinded. I grabbed a bag of Fritos, sat down on the couch and watched, no, listnened to Gilmore Girls.

-LR

Episode 47 is here!

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Yes, finally, show 47 is out. It took long enough, but here it is. Shout to the heavens! Sprung forth from the loins of lambs a new still-born is here to be breached from the bowels of Raptastic.

Show 47 gonna rock yo world.

Lady Raptastic is yo girl.

-LR

A story of hope

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The lady is world-savvy. She know how the world works, why it work that way and who you got to know to make it work for you. But it wasn't until I met a man name Donald that the world was opened up to me like a glass lighter held in the palm pf Lindsay Lohan as her mother sit beside her smokin crack and orderin another Pepsi.

Donald worked at the Burger King two blocks from my house. After work I met him because sister and me hang out sometime to watch tv and get drunk from stolen wine from the store. she steals it and I drank it. My thievery days is through after going to jail and meeting Penny and that whole roach scenario.

Oh by the way, I had a dream last night I was Mariah Carey's new husband, and we was having a bar b que in the back yard. She wasn't it outside in her outfit so she come back in to change. I come with her and watch tv in my little man-tv room.

She come in with some stupid bandana ball gown on and I make one remark, one remark about how it look, and she whimpers and turns around to go change. This happened three more times, and each outfit looked like it was made by a blind seamstress who grabbed fabric from a pile next to her thrown out by Pic'n'Save and cobbled together 80's prom dress after 80's prom dress. She look a mess.

Ok, back to my story. I met Donald for the first time and it was like high beam stare contest: I could not take my eyes off him while we walk, and he could not stop staring at his phone, texting someone. What is it with these text people? I am sorry, but if I want to communicate with someone, I sure as dang sure am not going to type, I am going to speak. it's quicker.

So I am walking with his sister and Donald and we meet up with his friend Kenyaati. I know Kenyaati from middle school, but we do not speak. I look at Donald the whole time. His brown cocoa skin and curly black hair. Just the way he look at (his pager and Kenyaati) with that gentle Latin stare...

Then a bus pull up to the corner I am standing at with them. I just happen to be where the people step off. A man falls down the bus steps and on top of me. He stank of wine and magazines and I am struggling to throw him off me, but he is asleep. He is sleep walking on top of me. I struggle to push him off but he keeps saying "Good morning, would you like sausage with that?" and I am not able to breathe good.

My friend come over and ask the man to get off me. She finally push him off. My hat got smudged and the hole bus was watching me. I was embarrassed. The bus driver asked me if iw as ok. "Yes no thanks to you, now get back on the road and make your $8 an hour." He got mad, put the bus in park and step off the bus. I start to run but there's wno where to go. The hardware store behind me is closed up, the park is pitch black and the alley way is scarry. He come up at me and yell at me about how he is lucky to have this job because he is retarded and his wife is pregnant and he is doing the best he can, and a sister do not need to be callin a brother out like that. I said my apolgies but told him just cuz he retarded do not mean he has to drive a bus. He could make clothes for Mariah Carey. He did not like this and snatched my purse.

The bus driver snatched my purse.

For some reason, when I am purse-snatched, I get the speed of a bike and the strength of a weight bench. I chase him back to the bus but he close the door on my hand and pul away. I am now walking with my hand stuck in the door. Then I am running because he gains full bus speed, then I am dragging because he is now on a highway, with me still attached and my purse in his retarded lap.

Long story short, a cop pulled him over and arrested him. I told the cop I was a bus driver and would drive the people to safety, when in reality I drove them around the corner, made them each give me ten dollars to get back home, then drove the bus into a river (I will not name which one) and walked home counting my dollars.

And that night, the world was opened up to me like I said above. It don't matter who you are, where you come from or how poor/retarded/whatever you are, the world has opportunities for you. All you got to do is be ready to grab them. Believe in yo dreams. Take hold of yo dreams and never talk to Kenyaati. He tell lies and his breath smell like a butt.