4/28/2006
Lettazzzzz Ho!
I would like to respond to some lovely letters I received recently:
From Miss Peter: (a fellow podcaster)
"Hey Lady Raptastic, I finally got my show up with a clip from your show. Thanks for letting me play the clip. I hope you enjoy the show. (Listen here) Would you be interested in recording a 'this is lady raptastic and you are listening to the musicNerve.com podcast'? Feel free to have fun with it if you do."
Miss Peter- Thank you so very much for the shout out. I would love to record something for you! Show 47 is still in production and I got a song I am working on for Goobersnatch next, but when i am done with these things...I got you!! Those of you looking for a funny and interesting music podcast, subscribe to Miss Peter's show "Music Nerve" in itunes or yahoo and visit his website. -LR
From Megan S: (a listener)
"I have to say it. You are amazing. I was recently turned on to your show by a good friend and I am now a junkie. I will say however that it is important not to drink any beverage in your car whilst listening to the Lady Raptastic show. My windshield is a mess and I have work to do. I love you lady! This is the end of tha email! (segment style!)"
Megan S.- Thank you for the love! I did not know people listen to my show in da car. Readers- where do you listen to da show? Email me and I will do a feature on it. But back to you, Megan S, if I could I would send you a bottle of store-brand windex and a cleaning cloth for your car, but right now the post office is closed and Regis and Kelly is on. -LR
From Charlie the podcaster: (a fellow podcaster)
"Hey there sweet thang, it's charlie from the cjnk podcast. Love what ya do...you're funny. Wanted to let you know we've promo'd a couple segments of yours on a couple shows. When I get some free time, (and when the wife can't hear me) I'll send ya some audio comments. Till then, here's a "what if." What if you walked into a room, and saw my naked white a** asleep on the floor, would you (take advantage of) me, or wake me and let me decide? Hope you go to the podcast expo this September. I'd love to meet ya. Keep up the good work, god knows I always need a good laugh when im out bustin my a** at work, l8's - CJ "
Charlie the Podcaster- If I walked into a room and saw yo naked body lying amidst crumpled sheets and rose petals (like in the Prince video "When da Doves be Cryin") I would do the following. I'd slowly saunter to yo bed and pull the sheets down, revealing yo manbody. There's a corn flake on yo back from the snack you was eatin before you went to bed. I'd lean over and bite it off yo back, but one of my lady lumps would accidently fall out my blouse and hit you in the shoulder blade. You'd awaken and turn over and see me there, one in, one out, and snatch me into yo arms. The rest, I am afraid, is too dirty for dis blog. I like to keep it pg-13 okaaaay!!!!! And as far as dis podcast expo, it sounds neat, but it's expensive. Maybe I can sell some china dolls or some mix tapes and go. Are you going? Is it good? What's it all about? -LR
From Maya: (a listener)
"What if situation: You are walking down the street and witness a robbery. Two thugs steal a poor old womans shopping. One thug takes her box of Oreos, the other takes her Kool aid. They both run in opposite directions. Which one would you try to catch first and why?"
Maya:
This is a very interesting question. I would go after the thug with the oreos because, hello, they cost mroe than Kool Aid. And who eva said I drank Kool Aid? Please. Pay attention to da show, ho. I still love you. -LR
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4/27/2006
Pork rind
Yesterday I was in a mcDonalds eating a bag of pork rinds I had brought in under the cover of my tube top. (before I sat down and revealed my secret to the man sitting across from me, my friend Carlos, we went to the counter and ordered two drinks. I asked for a clean drink with no spillage on top. They handed me a drink with drink spillage on the top and a thumb print on the side. I asked them to make me a new and the girl said no. Her name was Ladanda-Fay and I know her from this other McDonalds she used to work at. We have had words before. I said to her, "Ladanda-Fay, I am not trying to be difficult. I asked you for a clean drink with no drink spillage. You did not provide that. Please. Make it again. Ma'm." Ladanda-Fay look at me like she gonna pull a boot off and swing it at a baby doe. I look at her and said "You gonna make my drink, ho?" And with that, she proceeded to take a white rag out from beneath the counter and wipe the entired cup (and top) down and drop the rag onto the counter. She slowly shoved the cup at me from across the counter with one of her long magenta nails (the cute ones with the peacock-shaped diamonds in them). I know karate. I did a swivel-spin kick, knocked the drink off the counter and onto the back wall and slowly floated back down tot the ground. She look at me and so did Carlos like I was a magician. Well...I am. I ain't never told nobody before but this ho is a ninja. Ladanada-Fay quickly made me a new drink, this time a large one and smiled at me as I grabbed it with my left hand and gave her face the slap with the right one.
The pork rinds was good.
-LR
PS: the show is late again...because of Chris. I am going to fire him. I don't care how many emails from Criffer I get saying he like hsi "hairless" body." The boy can't stay on schedule.
4/22/2006
Missy gets weave
Okaaay!! Missy got some stensions! I loves them! The outfit is so very Missy. She always gotta look like she gonna stomp ya face. I admire her masculine dressing style. Is she a lesbian? She ain't never date nobody, always wears pants and plays in the black lesbian softball league...or so I heard. it could be untrue or not false. I do not know. I have sources who tell me things that I sometimes do not fully trust.
Per example, my friend Diamond told me one day if you can;t turn your head and see your shoulder you have cancer. i tried and connot see my shoulder, but i think it's because the fat around my neck prevents me from doin it. It ain't no cancer. So see? How can you trust all your sources?
-LR
PS: Kit kat now got orange flavored kit kats. Two big thumbs way up. Try the ten-pack.
She back in CONTROL!
Miss Lady Thin is back in action okaaay!! She is sporting less back and her trunk has been emptied. Janet is getting ready for the biggest comeback since Mariah. Her new album is dropping this fall and by then she will be hot again. I am so excited for her. I wish I had that much control...here I sit, stuffing oreos down my throat. I would love to get skinny, but I love cookies and sitting down too much. I wish there was a machine that you sat down on and ate in and it exercised yourself for you. that would be nice.
4/18/2006
Pez is Stupid
I am sitting here playing a game called thumbs. I just made it up. Thumbs is played by putting your thumbs together and pushing so hard till one of them breaks. I go all the way until one almost feel like it's going to break, and then I stop. You can play this game with any body part that you have two of. Today I got up and took a shower with all my clothes on. That woke me up out of my coman. It was not a real coman, of course. Otherwise I would be layin down half dead with my mouth open and drool coming out. But it felt like what a coman would feel like if I were in a coman.
Pez is stupid. A little girl offered me one and I had to stand there waiting while she dug her nasty snotty fingers into the package to get this little tooth-sized candy out. She hand it at me and I threw it back at her. Please... I am dieting and do not need to be eating your sin. Then I smacked her on the face and walked to the corner store for a snickers bar and a coke zero. (pic stoled from them)
I love you.
-LR
Taxes Ain't Fair
Going to the Post Office is not my favorite thing to be doing on a Monday night. I would prefer to be watching Oprah on the Oxygen network or cooking up some ham balls for the week. Instead, I found myselfs waiting in a 235 person line (I counted twice) in the post office. Last night was apparently the last night to legally be on time for taxation. If I were not court mandated to pay taxes, I would not be doing so today. About two years ago I owed the IRS about $200. I did not want to pay, so I mailed them a note with a letter attached to a $1 bill that read, "Take this dollar and shove it up yo (hind quarters)." I was thrown in jail for two weeks and as creative punishment was forced to stand naked on top of a post office thirty feet in the air and hand out flyers for promoting their new "Dalmations" stamp series. I am not a very politicalic person, but this tax system ain't right (I can legitimately complain now because I've been paying for the past two years). I would rather be robbed on the street at gun point than have to pay taxes. At least the theif don't make you fill out forms. And where does this money go??? In the past year, the goverment wasted so much dang money on stupid things, such as:
-$500,000 for the Sparta Teapot Museum in Sparta, North Carolina
-$4.2 million for shrimp aquaculture research
-$1 milion for the Waterfree Urinal Conservation Initiative
-$2 million for the buyback of the USS Sequoia Presidential Yacht
-$6.7 million in YMCA funding
The term for this is pork barrel spending. Although thinking about it makes me both angry and hungry, I am also disapointed that we have not stopped these crazy people in governmment. I was watching C-Span while drunk a couple nights ago and heard an idea that made my lady parts giggle. It is called the Fair Tax plan and eliminates the IRS completely. It is already in the senate and has tons of support by senators. Lady Raptastic is a supporter. We shall overcome! -LR (source)
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4/17/2006
Mariah Say Somethin
The ho is back and bikini-bound in France! I bet people there was like "Who let Pamela Anderson in?"
Losing My Mind
Ladies and gentlemen, something is wrong with me. I have been awake for two hours now and so far I have laid on the couch and stared at the wall. I have not had breakfast or used the bathroom or showered. I do not know how long this will last. I felt a strange feeling in my stomach ealier, but realized that it was just the sensation of hunger, something I have never had to feel before. The air conditioning man came in this morning to fix my unit, and I did not get up. I just stared at the cealing wall and made him work around me. I was completely naked. My phone rang and I picked it up and it was this guy I had beer with a couple nights ago. He wanted to take me on a date to the zoo but I said "I can't. I am starin at this wall." He knew that I must be depressed, so he told me to get up and go to my happy place. Later at Dunkin Donuts, I was eating and saw an ex-boyfriend named Tam Tam. He said hello and introduced me to his pregnant girlfriend Rebe. I asked her if she was named after Rebe Jackson and she said yes, all straight-faced. I busted out laughing, spitting a little on her cheek. She did not think it was funny, so she coughed and spit a mixture of blood and flem in my face. I would have body slammed her and broke her in half, but she was pregnant, so I bit my lip and gave her a pass. She walked out of the store with her doughnut and had a cigarrette. I apologized to Tam Tam for my behavior and asked him to apologize to Rebe for me. He said he would, then put his arm around me and french kissed me. I fell backwards onto the floor and so did he, on top of me. The lady behind me that was carrying a tray of coffees tripped over us and spilled hot coffee all over my face, scalding me. I screamed and the manager brought a mop out and put the mop right on my face to clean up the mess. Pretty soon everyone was yelling at me and mopping me in the face. I was screaming "Tam! Please! Help! I am being mopped!" but he ran out to his smoking pregnant girlfriend and drove away.
I finally got up and broke the broom in half and jabbed the person who was mopping me in the stomach. I took the other one, broke it in two, tied them together with some string I had in my pocket, and made num chucks. I beat up the entire Dunkin Donuts in two minutes. Everyone was on the ground moaning. I saw the cops come so I ran into the kitchen, shimmied up the exhaust pipe above the stove and excaped on horseback (Dunkin Donuts is only a minute from my apartment, so I figured I would take the horse to save on gas).
And now I am here, staring at the wall again. The past few days have had their toll on my brain. I think I just need to sit here, relax a bit, and stare at this wall.
4/16/2006
Dave Chappelle Stupid
Dave Chappelle talks about his breakdown in a magazine called Esquire:"Culturally: "The bottom line was, white people own everything, and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?" Professionally: "I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted."Personally: "The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people."
White people do not own everything. That is ridiculous. There are many black drug lords that own plenty of things. You can express yourself anywhere. But when people want you to tweak and change what you doin, and maybe do something a little different, you should not cut and run to Mother Africa. You should negotiate and be professional, making the best of the situation. Dave Chappelle took sketch comedy to a new level, and then abandoned his fans. He threw away his chance of leaving behind a remarkable legacy. This whole conflict strikes a cord with me because it hits close to home...
About two years ago I performed at a huge benefit in a homeless shelter called "Homeless People are Kind of Like You and Me, Only Poor, Homeless, and Sh***y Smelling." I was the final act. There were a few rappers and a few singers before me. They was good too. I was nervous. When they caled my name, I said a prayer and went out there and rocked that homeless shelter so hard the people who were in blankets and talking to theyselves stood up and clapped. The workers stopped handing out unused needles and applauded. And for one moment, the theivery and debauchery that got them to where they were that day went away, and all they could think about was Lady Raptastic. It was a beautiful day. Who was to know, as I walked out to the bus stop to catch a bus home that a production agent would tap me on the shoulder. Unfortunately, I thought he was going to rob me, so I body slammed him over my shoulder and jammed my heel into his neck.
After the hospitalization and subsequent death of this man, another individual from that same agency contacted me about signing a record deal. I was so excited I dropped my cell phone and it broke. I went and bought a new one, but I did not have his number so I could not call him. I sat and waited for him to call, but he never did, and my opportunity flew out the door like a white dove of peace. That story is nothing like Dave Chappelle's, but it sorta relates.
(Source)
Trent hates Phat Girls
I just read a review by Trent of Monique's "Phat Girls" and almost cried. I was so excited to see this movie, but it looks as though Monique pulled a Glitter, according to Trent:"Blah ... where to begin? This movie was just horrid ... the plot sucked, the acting sucked and the jokes were really, really lame. I wanted to like this movie so much ... I kept looking for some redeeming quality to it ... there was none to be found. I wanted the movie to be funny but it only comes across as extremely sad ... David and I were among only 5 people in the entire theater! Seriously, if you're at all interested in seeing this movie I'd wait until it comes out on DVD and rent it ... and even then I think you'd be wasting your money."
I am sad to see this. Trent does not lie, so I probably will skip this movie. Poor Monique.
(movie poster courtesy of Apple and of course, props to Trent for his review)
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4/14/2006
Apology for Show 46- Audio
Show 46 is late. Please do not leave the Lady. Things is going on outside my control. Here's a recap of the past two days for me. Please..do not unsubscribe.
American Idol
Oh my God, my baby has been voted off American Idol! What is America going to do without the sweet heart song melodies of the goat-like Kevin Covais? At least Harry Potter have a stand-in now. Yes, I do realize this is old news as most recently, Bucky Covington from North Carolina has been removed from the show. I am sorry, but if you are from North Carolina, and you name yo son Bucky, you need to be taken out to a field to be eaten alive by buffalo. And for miss I-got-publically-pooed-on-for-makin-love-to-a-contestant Paula Abdul... If I hear the words, "America loves you," one more time, I am going to jump through the television and strangle her with my long black wig. Please, you do not speak for America. If you did, maybe you would still have a decent music career. She's alright on Idol though, as long as Randy is there to balance.
I do not know if you are one of the 25 million people watching this American Idol show, but if you is, please... stop. This competition has birthed a viewing audience of obsessed, engrossed, and bedeviled human beings who cannot peel away from Idol news and updates. And yes, I am one of them. Do not judge!!!!
-LR
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4/13/2006
Buzzilion and the Dog
Ya'll, my life is once again in shambles with a perponderance of guilt resting up on my shoulders. As you know, I have been cat-sitting my friends cat, Buzzilion. You may also know that I frequently kill the cats of people whom I dislike. Its my signature threat. Well, I didn't kill the cat this time. This morning when I woke up, Buzzilion was just staring at me on the edge of the bed, as if to say, "Please, take me outside so I can expluturate my bowels (Buzzilion does not have a litter box, she poops in the yard)".
When I open the door to let her out a stray dog jumped out from the bushes and scared the cat up a tree (I could have sworn the dog was screaming like a human the whole time). I thought for sure that the dog would just go away and that Buzzilion would eventually come down... but no. The dog jumped up on the base of the tree as if humping, and began shimmying up the tree. Once he reached buzzilion, he ate her. The stray dog shimmied back down the tree and pranced by me smiling jovially. I was utterly shocked and began screaming. Before the dog left my sight, he turned his head and did one of those sexy tongue flicks at me. I was so weirded out that I screamed and ran back into the house where I have been ever since.
During this whole sequence of events, I managed to snap this picture with my camera phone. If you find this dog, please bring him to me so I can get Buzzilion back...
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4/12/2006
Please Vote
I do not know my readers because only a couple dozen loyal fans keep in touch. If you read my blog or listen to my podcast, please vote in my new poll found on the left at the top. You cannot miss it because it is extremely large and ugly, like these girls. Over the next few polls I plan to learn more about all you people so I can begin focusing my posts to things you might be interested in reading. Please... vote. -LR
Damito jo is back!
Penny/Damito Jo/Miss Jackson-if-you-nasty is back!!!! Look at Janet y'all! She is back with tiny hips, more fake hair and....tiny hips! I am inspired to put down these Oreos and get back on the workout regime I left a month ago. Go Janet! (Source)
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4/11/2006
Whitney Houston Popsicles
Many of you have requested I speak about Whitney's suspected lesbianism and coke addiction. And so I am going to respond. Yes, I feel that there is proper proof, without a shadow of a doubt, based on my sources (Tiki and this magazine I saw yesterday at the bodega) that she is both on hard core cocaine crack rock and a lessssshhhhhbian. If you have not seen the stories, she is having relations to Bobby Brown's sister, who reported to the National Enquirererer with stories and photos of Whitney's crack den/bathroom.I do not judge, however, and neither does Mariah Carey: "My heart goes out to her, she's such an immense talent. I'm right there for her." That is very sweet is it not? From one crazy ho to another- she is there for her fellow crazy ho.
I went through something simulair a few years ago. My friend Jazmine fell off a popsicle truck after hopping on top of it while completely and utterly drunk on a Sunday afternoon, in front of twelve popsicle-hungry children. She went to the hospital and was later released to the police where she served two hours on civil disobedience and child endangerment charges. I did the same thing a month prior, but did not get charged, and like Mariah, I reached out to my sister in need... by stealing her drug stash from her room and turning it into the prison police. I was doing her a favor, that girl needed to get clean. She is now serving two consecutive life sentences. Apparently, the stash was extremely large, and she was tied to a murderous drug cartell. My bad.
Swtichin gears... I suppose some of you is wonderin where show 46 is. Well, it ain't here yet, so stop harrassin the Lady! As you will soon find out, the recording of this show had a bit of an interuption (Chris went missing for while and the show was incomplete, like my lady bowels). Things seem to be back on track and the show should be released any day now, so you have to keep checking back. Well, I'm going to go finish watching Mary Poppins which I am watching alone on Pay Per View. Buzzillion, my friends cat, is here and just threw up a barette. Its a pretty one too, so I put it up in my wig. Please...
DO NOT JUDGE!!!!
-LR
(Sources: Mcarchives, Defamer)
show45.mp3
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4/10/2006
Kevin Roosevelt
Kevin Federline got hisself a myspace profile. That poor poor white boy. He is more lost than Chris, my co-host. Speaking of... Chris has been gone for a few days. I do not know where he been. He has not returned the calls both myself and his mamma have placed. We are both worried he might have eloped with this girl he was seeing over the weekend named Trina. She a stripper at "American-can," a governmental themed strip club up the street from his neighborhood (they call a lap-dance an "inauguration"). I met her over the weekend on the phone when Chris called me drunk and put her on. She was apparently drunk as well because when she said hello, she burped and threw up all over Chris's new Razor phone that I stole for him. Anyway, Chris told me later on that all the "dancers" go by former presidential names such Baberaham Lincoln... Trina goes by "T****y Roosevelt." I think that is just deplorable and bordering on the sacriligious. I mean please... Former presidents are to be revered and loved, not mocked by ho-ish strippers named Trina. The cat I am cat-sitting (Yes, Buzzillion... AGAIN!!!) just farted. It's funny because I have not fed her since I got home from the iguana store. Anyways, when I hear from Chris I will let you know. I hope he ain't dead. Or married. Or both.
-LR
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4/09/2006
4/08/2006
Where there's crack...
Where there's crack... there's Whitney. But where there's crack and a roomful of screaming children, it's Lindsay "No Shame in her Ho Game" Lohan wearing no underwear under her flimsy one-shoulder bra-less cotton dress as she scurries over to both high five and moon the unsuspecting children at the event. Does this count as a wardrobe malfunction? Will Nickemelodeon be sued like that Janet Jackson channel got sued? I personally think they should sue. How come skinny Janet gets all the flack but Lindsay "bone-a**" just get more and more press? (Cuz she white that's why)
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4/06/2006
Lamped Up
Robin Quiver, the lady on the Howard Stern show who do nothin but read the news and laugh at Howard is coming out with her own tv talk show. How fascinating. I cannot wait to tune in and see what dynamic and fabulous things she has to say about the world. I'd like to see a new version of "The View" (now that Meredith Virera is going) staring Robin Quivers, Star Jones, Tyra Banks and Kimmora Lee Simmons (she ain't doin nothin now anyways now that she gettin divorced from her sugar daddy). They would call it the "The Slew." It would be a bunch of stupid women carryin on about stupid stuff. See, what they need is Lady Raptastic up on them airwaves. This ho would wake things up. I would bring back the golden days of tv like Maury, Ricki and Tempeste. I would bring guests on that coud fight or at least talk like they could fight. And there would be expensive lamps all over the set (like the classy ones where you touch the base and they light up). And at any time, the guests could pick up the lamps and hurl them at each other. Girl, that would get the WORLD watching. I'd call it "Lamped Up."On a different topic, I am now selling out. I am looking for sponsors. If you would like your ad to appear on the Lady Rap podcast, email me at lady@ladyraptastic.com. I want some money. I will sell anything: food, kitchen appliances, shoes, gas-powered lawn mowers, incandessent bulbs, Lithuanian babies and tacos. I am ready to sell out. Please...do not judge.
-LR
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4/05/2006
Show 45: Albino Squirrel
Show 45 is ready for your ears to suck in!
Play it now:
show45.mp3
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4/04/2006
Sean Hannity Wanded Remix
Sometimes I be clicking around on the A.M. dial in my car and hear Sean Hannity, but I did not know he was so dirty on his show. Apparently, he likes to be "wanded." I know what this means. Do you? I made a little remix of his love for "wanding" and I thought you might like to hear it. And, he also like his whole family to get "wanded." Nasty. I am no longer going to listen at his show. I will switch to Dr. Laura. She do not promote wanding. Her show is ok, but my show is better.hanitywanded.mp3
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4/03/2006
Frappr me!!!
Put yo name on my Frappr map! Das right, I have a Frappr map! I do not know what Frappr is, but I do know that all the popular people have one. I am popular, so I now have a Frappr. It kind of sound like what you would call a french rapper, except still spelled incorrectly. Frappr yoself on me! Frappr. The point is to see how many people actually read this blog. I will not advertise my Frappr anywheres else. If you do not want to put a flag on my Frappr, then post a comment below and tell me why. Frappr. Bye!
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4/02/2006
Lady Updates
Ya'll I have been working like a ho on crack to get my new show put together and ready for release on Wednesday. Chris is not sure if it will all come together by then, but keep given the lookout on my blog for updates. Show 45 will be a platinum hit! Gettin better every time! Okaaaaay!
I finally did my taxes ya'll. I thought I could do them by myself but I could not. I spent every night lookin at da papers crying and screaming "why!?" and throwing things against the wall. The downstairs neighbor finally had me "baker acted" and I was taken to prison on the grounds of self-endangerment. I met a very nice CPA there who was in my cell for the same thing. I guess during tax season CPA's often kill themselves. He agreed to help me with my paperwork and we were released the next day. So my taxes are now done and the Lady is in good spirits! The CPA later killed himself.
I love ya! Leave me comments and email me yo questions about life, love, and the persuit of raptasticness!
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