Pink ain't stupid, girl.

Have you seen the video for "Stupid Girls" by Pink? Oh sweet dead fat eloquent Luther the video is so funny. She crazy. She like the female Eminem, commenting on famous people. I love it. And she let her hair grow out which is nice. She look good with it a bit longer. Unless that was a weave.

I almost scrapped at Macys
I was in a department store ready to check out, so I stroded up to the counter to pay for my purchase, a lovely lingerie top with green roses sewn on the front in the shape of a Leprechaun. I bought it for March. This girl behind said counter was eatin potato chips. And not Pringles. The greasy kind. She put one more potato chip inside of her mouth and then went to pick up my lingerie top. I swiped it before she could pick it up. I said "Are you crazy, ho? You gonna pick up this top with yo greasy fingers?" She look at me and said.

"Hold on." She picked the bag of potato chips back up, put three potato chips inside her mouth, put the bag down and said, "Yes."

Girl, I almost lost it. I asked her how could she be so nasty. She said how could I call her nasty when I walk up in her store wearing house slippers. I said what I wear ain't none of her business and her behavior was unprofessional and rude. She said my shoes was unprofessional and rude.

Now, I have had experiences with raising a rouse up in the department store before. Not this particular one, but others. Several others. And I know camera are all over the place. As soon as you pull a shiv from yo leg strap and got it on the person's neck, they runnin at you like a security bullet train stright from Japan. So, I calmly said the Lord's prayer to myself, took three steps back and walked away, knocking over five piles of folded polo shirts onto the floor along the way. Okkaaay!!??

Do not trifle with the Lady. I will knock yo shirts down, ho.

(Photo credit goes to dis talented person)

-LR

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I am not a Good Burger

Please feast a gander at the above "artwork" courtesy of the fine people at the Horse Drownings podcast. Apparently, they think I am not who I say I am. They think I am Keenan, from "Keenan and Kel" fame. (See above "artwork"). Will these people ever stop and leave the Lady alone? I am me. What more can I be, please?

In other, more important news, this lady named Wendy Ho asked me for an add on myspace. Lord knows where she found me. I liked her name so I looked at her page. Oh my sweet deer Louis Vouitton!!!! You have to listen to her songs! They are crazy crazy crazy!! Listen to "The Gospel of Ho" first, please.

Harvard Business Review?

I went to a bookstore today with a friend name Coxie. It was cold so we both wore our white fake fur J-Lo one-piece jumpers with matching white fur Fugg boots. We bought the matching outfits a year ago when a Contempo Casual was going out of business. (The building was demolished and a Bread Barn replaced it. Who needs that much bread? Though, that is where I go to get my jewish rye fix now. Nothin says good morning--or sober up--like a butter-soaked six-stack of jewish rye toast. Hello?)

People give us looks when we are wearing the matching jumpers. A camera phone will come out of a purse now and then or someone on their cell phone already will stare at us and describe us to whoever they talkin to. I usually shout out "It's J-Lo!" and they laugh. I laugh back to be polite. J-Lo can be intimidating to people...you know...as a brand.

So we go to this bookstore named "Los Libros de Rojos." The name make me hungry for empinadas. I walk in first and directly make beeline to the magazines. You know, US and Star and People. well, Coxie walks with me, but she picks up The Harvard Business Review. The who what Coxie Harvard who who?! I asked her what she was doing and she said she met a man online last night who go to Harvard. I asked her how and she said through a chat room. I asked if she was chargin again and she said no and gave my jumper a shove. I checked for smudge marks for two reasons. One, the jumper is white and two, Coxie wipes her nose on her hands constantly when she is sick. Nasty. I use tissues in them little plastic bags.

So Coxie go on to tell me about this boy and how he is very smart and wants to meet her. He told her he wrote somethin in this magazine and she wanted to see if he was lyingl. Sure as Lionel Richie got a white daughter, there he was. Now I ask you...why would someone from Harvard be interested in Coxie? She broke, not smart and work at Bread Barn part time. (She sneak me the jewish rye). I suppose I should not judge. Two people from different walks of life can come together I guess. Whitney and Bobby. Mariah and Eminem. Janet and one of the Debarge boys. I am just jealous. I want someone to love me who go at Harvard... or a community college, shoot. Somebody who going somewhere, to be somebody. Someone to sweep me out this dirty boring dull life and into one of glamour, intrigue and lots of clean boot knockin. Okaaayy!!??

I know he out there. Somewhere. Probably reading my blog and listenin to my show. I just wish he would reach out to me. Reach out and touch the Lady. Put his hand on her thigh (I shaved today) and pick her up and lift her away from this apartment and these neighbors and the smell of the gas when the landlord keep it on too long.

Dreamlover come rescue me.
Take me up.
Take me down.
Take me anywhere you want to baby. Oh.

-LR

Michael Jackson Returns

Michael Jackson finally comes back to the US...and into the open arms of the ones who love him. (see photo at yo left please)

Y'all listen at that recording of Whitney at the Olympics I posted a few days ago? I listened to it several times since and I have to say- I feel really sad for her. Just goes to show just cuz you got money and fame and a ugly skank husband, you can still be a drug addict. Their daughter is probably on crack right now. And as a special gift, here is a quick clip of her singingI Will Always Love You at that same event. (Source)

And speaking of female celebrities, I have gotten taken to the curb for dissin Janet. Y'all is right. It ain't right to hate on fat janet. She the same Janet we know and love before, just now with more to love. So, I officially end the Janet hatin right here and now. So now, here is an open letter to fat Janet:

I am sorry I called you fat
There will be no more of that.
You still sweet like you always was
Even when you on yo sugar buzz.

I won't slander your good name.
I admire your looks and fame.
You still got the looks and eyes
Just please loose them big old thighs.

I love you Janet (but not in a lesbian way)

-LR

Elastic Radio Loves the Lady!

My show was chosen by Allie as Elastic Radio's Pick of the Week! Okaaaay!!!? Represent! Hollah!!!!

I told my Momma and she gave me a big hug, woke up my father and the three of us went down to Olive Garden to celebrate. Breadsticks for dayzzzz!!

-LR

Bobby Brown yanks weave

Y'all BobbyBrown is at it again, After watching Whitney trash "One Moment in Time" at the Winter Olympics, Bobby Brown yanked a weave:

"Actress Tamala Jones is claiming that Bobby Brown "crudely propositioned her" during Nick Cannon's birthday party at a Los Angeles bowling alley.

Brown was "drunk and jaws just clicking and clacking back and forth," Jones says in the latest issue of Smooth magazine. "He came over and said, 'What's up?' ... He picks me up and he's like, 'I heard you been in Atlanta, girl. Why you don't come and see me? Don't you know I always wanted to f- you?' I'm like, 'Boy you better put me down! I am dating somebody that's in the business, and he's from Atlanta. ... You know my dude and I know your wife.' ... He said he wasn't even with Whitney anymore. I got snatched back. ... It was Bobby; he pulled me by my hair and kind of like pulled me back. I was like, 'You better stop playing,' and I walked on. Then he yanked me back harder and now my whole body tripped back and I'm 'bout to fall. I turn around and he pushes me. I push him back! Then he pushes me again. So I sock-push his a-!" She says Bobby's brother Tommy broke it up."(Source: article and photo)

Viva Podcast show love

I received this nice letter a week ago from a couple very nice people who got some love for me and my show. Read below...

"How the heck did we miss you all this time?

So this is how we stumble upon your show: the Bitterest Pill is on our Myspace page, The Half Show with Me-saj & Jason left a comment for him. I checked out their show and liked it, but found a link to your show on their site and LOVED it!

Your show is hilarious and we'd love to promo it or something on ours. You're a poetic wo-man who's changing the world. You keep it clean and fun at the same time and your stories are great. The same thing happened to us when we tried to free a neighbor's dog with a welding torch, and Greg has the scars on his head to prove it. The Britney ad was the best.

So we've subscribed to your show and want to know if you want to be friends with a Mexican and a gringo from New Mexico? Check out our webpage and email us an audio comment or something. Our listeners would love to hear that sweet voice.

Lisa and Greg
Viva Podcast"

Ain't that sweet?!

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Whitney sings at Olympics

Listen to Whitney try to sing "One Moment in Time" at the Winter Olympics. Dis ho beat.


Whitneyonemomentintime.mp3

Jason strikes back

Jason from the ***cast wrote me yet another letter. I thought our little drama was all resolved and clear and done. But no. The backstory goes as such: he wrote some nasty comments on my blog about me, then turned around and apologized. I was very nice and shared with everyone on my blog his nasty comments and also his nice letter. I gave him props and left it at that. Apparently he did not like that post. Here's what he had to say today...

"I wouldn't ruin the moment by being a poor winner. Just because I like your show dose not mean I like you, lets get that very clear. I can just as quickly change my mind. Just because that E-mail was an apology, it still came from the ***Cast, not exactly the nicest Pod cast on the Internet. Keep up your bull****, and we can just as quickly re-kindle the flame. I'm not like you, lady, there's not a lot of love in my heart."

Ok, so let me address this, point by point.

"I wouldn't ruin the moment by being a poor winner."
Let me share with you all what I said in my response to his apology letter about him: "I am a big enough lady to accept an apology and let bygones be bygones. And the niceness of his letter shows me he misjudged me, which anyone could have done." Does this sound like the voice of a "poor winner?" No.

"Just because I like your show dose not mean I like you, lets get that very clear."
I never said he liked me. Ever. Here's what I said: "He basically apologizes for his trespasses and compliments my show." That's all he did and that's all I said he did. Period.

"I can just as quickly change my mind."
Jason didn't like my show, then he did, and now he is threatening to not like it again. Take a tip from Bastardcast: don't listen to the show if you do not like it.

"Keep up your bull****, and we can just as quickly re-kindle the flame."
The "bull****" was, in my opinion, a sincerely nice letter complimenting Jason on his niceness. This "flame" is totally one-sided. I do not know Jason. He came up at me on my blog from the clear blue, slapped up some comments that were truly tasteless and that was that. No flame here. It's all on him.

"I'm not like you, lady, there's not a lot of love in my heart."
This is one thing we can both agree on. Jason does not have a lot of love in his heart. Let me refresh to your face what he said about me in those comments he left:

1. "**** you, you cross dresser"

2. "Well, well, well. If it ain't the ugliest drag Queen have ever seen. You are a (censored) dude and if your not and I was your boy friend, I would kill myself 12 time over just to make sure I was dead. I really hope you consider suicide, its the fastest was out. -Jason (A** Cast)"

3. "Go **** yourself. You Are A ****ing Dude. Happy love a (censored) day."

What am I supposed to do with this man? Nothing. That is what I am going to do. I am just going to let him do his thing and I will continue bringing shows out and bringing the love. I am not going to hate on this man. I am not going to respond to this man. I am just going to keep my chins up, my face forward and my lady lumps headed in the upwardly mobile direction I am already in.

Rhonetta Johnson a Superstar!

Dis ho is a star in the making! She got vim, verve and the complete nerve to wear a metallic tube top, blonde wig and thigh high boots to a American Idol audition! And my sweet merciful rampant lawd the way she act after the audition! She a star. I want to interview her on my podcast. I wonder if I could set that up.

-LR

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Show 40: Beer Delivery Man

Show Notes: I meet a beer delivery man at Tiki's birthday party. I go eat at a Chinese place. People call me a sell-out for having ads on my blog. I have my tires rotated. The end, ho.

Download Show 40: Beer Delivery Man

I love you people.

-LR

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On yo knees Jason!!!

Once again, Lady Raptastic has been embroiled in another dramatic podcast war, this time with a podcaster named Jason of the A** Cast. It was not so much a battle as a full-frontal attack on the Lady by Jason. But as you will find as you read my post, all things come good to those who ignore the hate.

See, a couple weeks ago, Jason left some comments on my blog. They was very nasty and rude. Here are a couple of them:

1. "**** you, you cross dresser"

2. "Well, well, well. If it ain't the ugliest drag Queen have ever seen. You are a (censored) dude and if your not and I was your boy friend, I would kill myself 12 time over just to make sure I was dead. I really hope you consider suicide, its the fastest was out. -Jason (A** Cast)"

3. "Go **** yourself. You Are A ****ing Dude. Happy love a (censored) day."

After reading these things, I was blown away. I had to sit down and eat a Oreo just to calm myslef down and take it all in. Once again i called my church to ask for a prayer meeting, but since I was so, as they put it, "crazy and insane" they did not want me back in their prayer room. I cursed them out and told them to eat it. I called my friend Ticki but she is on a mission in Bolivia helping young Asian girls learn how to braid hair for tourists. I called my landlord and tried to start a fight just to let out some of my anger, but he was busy holding his grandson and was in too good a mood to fight with me. So I just sat there in my house, eating Oreos, frozen.

I stared out the window. A feshly snow had falled upon the dirt in my backyard. I swore I saw a deer cut between my house and the people behind me's house. I tried with all my might to calm down and to accept that "Hey, some people just ain't gonna like you." But I couldn't. I got up out my rockin chair, put the Oreos down and walked out my house and into oncoming traffic. It was freezing cold. I had on my nightgown, shower shoes and a fur hat. No gloves, either. I lifted my hands to the heavens and closed my eyes, waiting for a bus or a car to come by and take me from my podcast misery. I stood there and waited. And waited. And waited. I opened my eyes and saw that cars were going around me, not hitting me. I got mad and started yelling at them as they crept by "Hit me! Hit me!" They ignored me. One old lady rolled down her window and told me I needed help. I told her to hit me or I'd jump on her windshield. She laughed so I jumped. She was going slow enough so I could actually do it. The windshield caved in and I was on her dashboard, almost completely inside her car. She screamed and pulled over. I was crazy and screaming at her, blood coming from my hands (I should have worn the gloves). She pulled over and jumped out the car. I got out of her windshield, little glass pieces all in my fur hat and nightgown and wobbled towards her. She got scared and pulled a gun from her little leather black pocketbook, telling me to stay where I was or she'd shoot.

I jumped up and grabbed a branch on the tree above me, climbed into the tree and sat there until she got back in her car. Finally I climbed down, crossed the street and went back inside my house, ready to accept that the ***cast had their right to their own opinion. I had not had such evil and hatred thrown at me since Bastardcast "ripped me a new one." I did not email or contact Jason.

Now the story continues. Today jason sent me an email and basically apologized for the whole thang. To be honest, the letter is really really nice. He basically apologizes for his trespasses and compliments my show. It's so sweet I wanted to put it up here for y'all hos to read. Take it away Jason...

"(censored) lady,
I really want to dislike your show, but I cant. We here at the A** Cast are all about giving people a hard time, and calling people out. One of our philosophies is "we just call it how we see it" and frankly, I have listened to your show, and it is ****ing funny as ****. I am a big enough person to admit when I am wrong, and I was really wrong. I apologize for the things I put on your blog and removed all the comments I put up there (I think). Anyways I'm sure you hate me and my show, but what can you do. Frankly I don't give a **** if you like me or not, I like your show and will put a link to you from my website. Once again Lady, you have a good show, Don't stop doing it. If I listened to everyone who hated my show I would have been done a long time ago.

Jason from The A** Cast"

I am a big enough lady to accept an apology and let bygones be bygones. And the niceness of his letter shows me he misjudged me, which anyone could have done. (Are you listening Bastardcast?)

Anyways, I just needed to share this with you all so you know that this podcasting thing is not all roses and cherry pop tarts. Sometimes people nasty. But, sometimes them nasty people turn into nice people. So go listen to the A** Cast and think of me when you do.

And the next time you driving and you see a person in the middle of the road with their hands in the air, hit them.

-LR

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Dick Cheney Shot a Face

Lady Raptastic's Political Corner:Dick Cheney shot some poor man in the face cuz he look like a quail. I think he should be appeached. When you do something like that, you need to pay the consequences. I had a friend who got shot in the hip at a gas station. They put the man who did it away for ten years, and the guy did it by accident. I think Dick Cheney should get the electrical chair, or at least he should be shot in the face as well.

Brad and Blake Show

The Brad and Blake podcast reviewed my podcast on their show.


Download "Brad and Blake Appearance"

-Lady Raptastic

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Chicken feet

I went to a Chinese restaraunt with this lady I used to work with named Burnell. She said she went there for a friend's birthday a year ago and that it was the best food she'd ever eaten. I trust her opinion as she used to be a cook at Perkins. The name of the place was "Nguk Gong" and it was about half an hour from my house. We dressed up for the evening: I wore a purple sparkly kimono I found under my bed from a Halloween 2 years ago and a long black wig I put up in a bun with the assistance of two chop sticks and several bobby pins. Burnell wore a pair of red leather pants with dragons down one leg and two purple Hello Kitty heads on the other, a black halter top and these little white chinese take-out box earrings she found at a garage sale when she went to South Carolina for her college reunion.

We walk up in there and you would have thought we was celebrities. I guess because we were so "dressed up," they fawned over us and gave us a fabulous table near the gurgling dog fountain and the hot buffet. Our waiter was named John and he was very sweet. he asked me for my number a minute after we sat down. I gave it to him and he hit on me the entire night. He about 90 pounds soaking wet holding a sack of bourbon chicken, but he seem pretty confident he could handle a woman like me, if you know what I mean, ho.

We let John decide our dinners for us as we sipped sake and laughed about this cartoon I saw on tv that day. Some people around us gave us the eye, I guess because we was so loud. But hello, this is a free country and I am a dynamic voice and presence that cannot be tamed, no matter how many people ask me to stop talking so loud.

The food came and they was all in these tiny little boxes, all stacked up about ten high. I thought it was a joke so I tipped over my boxes and all this food spilled all over the place. The waiter, John, got yelled at by five other waiters and they quickly picked it all back up. John apologized to me for not explaining how these "dumplings" work and kissed my hand (even though it had some soy sauce and dried potato chips on it that I did not realize was there).

They brought me new dumplings in about ten minutes. I opened the first one and I nearly had a heart murmur. There was ten little chicken feet, deep fried, sitting there in a puddle of soy sauce and ginger root. John got me to try one. He said you have to put the whole foot into your mouth and gnaw on it to get the meat off. I said of and put three up in there. It took a good three minutes to get any meet off the feet. I could feel the little chicken toes scraping the inside of my mouth. Gross. The meat was good though. Burnell got duck with the head still on. She ate the whole duck, including the head. I thought that was gross until she handed me part of the cheek- taste like the stuff in the food court. Yum boo!

So over all the meal was good and John and me was gonna hook up, so all was good. He even gave me a discount, but not Burnell. She got upset at John about this and he calmed her down when he brought over this little girl who gave her a ten minute shiatsu massage at the table. For free.

Okaaay!!??

New Itunes podcast

If you like the Lady, publicize the lady. Please copy and paste this and put it on yo blog/myspace/website to show the world you know where true comedy lay up in. if you do, I will give you a shout-out here about yo blog.



<a href="http://ladyraptastic.com/"><img src="http://www.ladyraptastic.com/uploaded_images/lr7.jpg" /></a>



For some reason, in Itunes, all my shows were not showing up. Only a few of them were. Well, we got my producer on it. I am putting together a new podcast in Itunes. I will have the new link here soon. For now, go to the brand new feed with all 39 shows and have a listen. Again, new Itunes link coming soon. Check back, ho!

Y'all need to be calling the Lovely Lady Line and leaving messages. (1-877-506-3403) I have a few right now but I need more. If you have never done it, just call and leave amessage. Say anything. I don't care. If it's crazy, I will love it. If it's boring, I will make fun of it. If it's from a certain podcaster, I will ignore it. If it's from the bill collection agency, I will delete it. So call, ho. CALL!!

Happy Valentines Day people!

-LR

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This is a "Quality Podcast"

Check dis: Allie from Elastic Radio gave me a really goood review of my podcast, y'all! Please read below to see what she said about me.

The Review:

"Do you get a chuckle out of stereotypical, ghetto fabulous ranting? If yes, than Lady Raptastic is your around the way girl. Lady Raptastic claims to be a female rapper just doing her thing and keeping it real. She welcomes everyone in into her strange and riotous world with accounts of girl fights, Janet Jacksons weight gain, and homeless ex-boyfriends.

This lady speaks with a quirky speech impediment and low pitched voice which fluctuates between feminine and masculine, (very reminiscent of the Ladys Man shtick made famous by Tim Meadows.) Still, her stories are ridiculous and musical interludes and background melodies add an extra element of entertainment in each pod cast.

With over 25 freshly spit posts and an Awwwchive dating back to July 2005, its no surprise that Lady Raptastic has garnered quite a following. By calling the Lovely Lady Line everyone has the chance to be a part of a Miss Raptastic pod cast. Check it out and take a listen! Shout out to Lady Raptastic Yall!"

Okaaaay!!!!!

-LR

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Michaelle Kwan breaks her groin

Michelle Kwan, a very pretty girl, broke her groin in Turnin, the place where the Olympics is at. She said she cannot skate cuz she did something to her groin. What did she do to her groin, you ask? I will tell you. Michelle Kwan went out for drinks with friends Mandy Moore, Bronson Pinchot and Taylor Dayne, the evening before her early morning rehearsal. Well, things got out of hand when Mandy dared Michelle to smack the butt of a hot waiter. Michelle, drunk and stumbling, wobbled over to the man, smacked his but and immediately started to laugh. The guy did not think it was funny and asked her to leave. She said no and did it again. The music in the bar stopped and all heads turned to Michelle and the hot waiter. She looked around and was completely embarassed. She took a step in the direction of her friends, slipped on an ice cube on the floor and did an unexpected split, which ripped her groin like a banana peel from the banana. Say a prayer for Michele and her groin.

Y'all remember when I was asking everyone to go listen to Podcast 19 "Baby Stare?" At the time, it had only been listened to 172 times at that point. Well somehow, it has now been download 1,791 times!! That might be because in itunes the song got sent out by mistake a few extra times because of the way this dang blog is hooked up. My producer explained it all to me but I stoped listening about 10 seconds in.

-LR

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Podcast 25 Homeless Cats

A new podcast is hot and fresh and ready for consuming. If you are not subscribed in itunes, please do so now. The link is at the bottom of this post. In this show, I tell several stories including a homeless woman I meet with cats, me joining the ROTC, me fighting with a Ipod girl and many more. I forget what they are, as I have a hangover. Pardon me and please...do not judge.

-LR


Podcast25.mp3

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Why Janet is fat: movie

The New York Times did a article on Jermaine Dupri and he shares with the world why Janet is fat: a movie role.

"He dismissed talk of Ms. Jackson's recent weight gain, which has been gleefully chronicled in the gossip magazines. "She gained that weight for an indie role," he said. When pushed for more details about that role, he said that she was supposed to play a mother in the Deep South in a film that fell through."

A who? She destroyed her body for a indie movie? A who!!?? This is the most pathetic attempt at lying since my friend M'shon dumped his girlfriend because "She too good for me," when really, he just wanted to be single again. All my friends knew this, and the poor girl got kicked to the curb. She's now serving time for writing bad checks at Sam's Grocery 12 times. But back to Janet- this is a lie. a downright lie. He does not mention the movie, the title, nothing. Why would anyone want to make Janet fat to play someone's mama? Please. I am not buying this, Mister Dupri.

But there's more...

Jermaine goes on to discuss her new album that he is producing. Ooh, it's gettin good girl.

"Now that he has resurrected Ms. Carey's career, Mr. Dupri is focused on bringing Ms. Jackson back to prominence. For months he has been holed up in the studio with her and her longtime producers, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. The resulting album, scheduled to hit stores this summer, will be reminiscent of "Control"-era Janet, he said, during a quick tour of his mansion in this city's Buckhead district, where he lives with three bulldogs, a parakeet, a flock of peacocks and a butler. "Her album is going to be called '20 Years Old,' because that's how old she feels, and that's how long it's been since she put out 'Control.' "

I cannot wait to see how this album turns out. 20 years ago she was cute. Now she fat. I don't know why she would name a album that drew attention to this fact. But, only time will tell if she can pull this comeback off. I say she will. I think madonna need to come to her rescue, like she did for Britney, introducing her to kabalalalah and all that mess. As you know, it didn't help. But, at least she tried.

(Thanks to Trent and the Tymes)

Myspace messages

I have to share three myspace messages I got today. The first one is from a cute boy from Japan. He invited me to Japan to do some licking...

"Lady Raptasic, I just love your blog and podcasts. I am not really a fan of rap music, but I am a fan of yours. Maybe some day you can come to Japan and we can take turns licking chocolate sauce off each other! Your friend "Gaijin Yakuza""

First of all, I understand your distaste for rap music. It's ok. It's takes a world to make a village that raises a child, as Hillary Clinton put it so many generations ago. Perhaps after becoming a fan of da Lady, I might become your gateway to the fabulous world of rap. Like I always say, "Keep yo mouth and yo option open." Let me give you two names to begin with: J.J.Fad and Lil Kim. These two suggestions could lead you on da path to further rap enlightenment.

Second of all, I peeped yo pics on myspace and there are some crazy ones, boo. Love them. My favorite one is of yo cousin. I want to meet Hiraki cuz he look crazy. I used to have a hairstyle like that back in middle school. People called me Pom, cuz of it. Pom being the shortened version of "pom pom."

Third of all, the invitation to "take turns licking chocolate sauce off each other" will be accepted. I am all about the choclate licking. However, I must include an addendum to this lick agreeement. Criffer must be included. Have you seen his picture in the comments on my myspace profile? The boy love his chocolate okaaaay!!??



My next note came from a nice cute boy named Josh:

"hey Lady i just wanted to let you know that i couldn't survive a day without your podcast. it lifts me up when i'm feeling down...my friends and i called your lovely lady line so i hope to hear myself in one of your upcoming podcasts...can't wait for your next podcast. <3"

Josh- Thank you boo! I am glad I lift you up. I could probably lift yo up, spin you around above my head and toss you into a queen sized bed as well, but we'll save that for anotha moment. I have not checked my lady line today so I have to go have a listen.



My final note come from a sexy sista (in spirit) named Lori:

"hey there... i found one of your blogs while i was googling something else...... you made me laugh so hard i had tears in my eyes!!! it was the whole 'myspace quiz' thing.... stolen doritos, breakfast foods.... even an evil pet bird! you crack me up!! "

Thank you Lori. I appreciate yo kind words. For some reason, Doritos are a common theme up in my lives. Evil birds is not. I am glad I crack you up. Please keep laughing until yo sides split and you have to get a surgery for it.


Ok, that's it. I just wanted to share some love I got recently from some fans. If you want to contact me, see below. Bye hos!

-Lady Raptastic

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Jane Jackson fat: a poem

Janet Jackson fat: a poem
By Lady Raptastic

You big as a jelly roll.
How did you lose control?
You as big as all creation
You you're own rythm nation.
It's clear ya ain't been sensible
going overboard with your pleasure principle.
Fat you do compile
As you tell Jermaine "Let's wait awhile."

Janet you better win this fat-butt bout
cuz you got a new album coming out
And I think it will be rather scarry
If you come out bigger than Mariah Carey.
Cuz the two of you be doing a duet
the title of which be "Big Girls" I bet.

Do not get the wrong impression
I like my fruit cake chomping session
Diggin into a cereal box
spreading my bread with jelly and lox
But I got charisma, charma and some vim.
(And a memebership to a decent gym)

You betta step up and go on a run
cuz seein you fat ain't no fun
It's like a bad episode of "Law and Order"
You used to be "Penny" now you a quarter.

I was going to do a haiku but my kimono got eaten by moths in my closet. I only do haiku in that kimono.


I would like to give a shout out to the hos who gave Podcast 19 "Baby Stare" a listen. Props to you, babies, props to you. (tongue click) Right now I would like to report that because of ya'lls love, it went from 174 to 235 listens. Now that's what I'm talkin bout! (I just did a little dance in my chair thinkin bout it. The arm came off. I put it back on. Cheap chair.) I think Podcast 23 "Mortal Enemies" got 548 listens cuz probably the Bastardcast fans be coming over and listening. That's a guess anyways. However, my Podcast 22 "Barbara" had 605 listens so maybe my theory is wrong.


And speaking of Bastardcast. I am about to speak so please, take a seat. I was going to write them and tell them about my most recent shows in which I play some of their shows on my shows. But I thought, "You know what, Lady. They do not care. It is obvious they did not want to play along in my fun little game." Did I insult them for publicity? No. I really think their show is all cussing and full of strange ranting because they do not know how to do a good show. But then I changed my mind. I thought, "Well, maybe we could do a Podcast War and have some fun with it." But they just, as the put it, "ripped me a new one." And that is what they did. They called me out for trying to get publicity, they made me look like I cannot decide between "Accept" and "Deny", and they called my show bad without giving their listeners reasons why the show is bad. They think it's bad because I made fun of their show. Also, in the shows they did featuring either myself, people immitating myself or them talking about myself, they chose not to include my link in their show notes. Every other podcast they talk about got a link. But me? No. Every time I mention those hos I write their name down in my posts, either with a link or without. But at least I have the common courtesy of giving them props.

I will have further dealings with the topic of Bastardcast, as it has affected me greatly. it was the first podcast to ever contact me. It was the first podcast I got in a fight with. And it will be the last. They think this war is over and I let them win, but let me tell you something. And come close for this one...

It ain't over till the Janet Jackson sang.

-LR
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Chicken Blood

Read dis comment "Chocolate Cake" left me about Podcast 19 "Baby Stare":

"Im sorry, but I must say. . . Baby Stare has gots to be THE FUNNIEST PODCAST I have eva heard gurl. When you said, "what you lookin at baby, WHAT YOU LOOKIN AT!?!?!" I was ROLLIN. . . and then you go into the whole fightin and stuff. I downloaded that thing IMMEDIATELY and listen to that than OVA AND OVA again. gurl you need to blow up your site with some more podcasts! HOLLA!!!"

See. Lady Raptastic wuz right: Podcast 19 "Baby Stare" be funny, ho. And speaking of things of a podcasting nature, me and my producer is going to a conference on podcasting near my house about 30 minutes away. I am so excited. It's an "urban" podcasting conference called "God Before Pod." It's a spiritual thang at a church. The cost is rather steap, but if you bring in canned goods you can go for free. I am going to the mission to steal me some canned goods to take to the conference to get in for free. Listen- times is hard. I got that gym membership I gotta keep paying, the laundry ALWAYS somehow ends up being $20 a load (I wash some items twice, for fresheness) and my couch needed to be cleaned. I spilled the fresh blood of a chicken on it.

Allow me to explain.

I bought a live chicken off a guy named Pedro off the back of a truck. Now I have never cooked anything that was not at least bought from a store. I did buy some ham balls from a friend who's kid be selling them to fund his school's trip to Ikea, but they was freeze dried. You ever had to eat freeze dried ham balls? Not good unless you boil them in batter. Mmmmm.

Anyways, I was taking my trash out when this truck pulled up in front of my building. It was a 1945 Ford that had seen better days. (I know the year because I dated a guy named Felt who loved cars and taught me alll about them when we was dating. Ironically, he got hit by a car while crossing the street walking to the car show that year. Well, at least he died near what he loved). So, the truck pull up, and a man named Iguan (I later learned his name because, well, you will find out) hung out the window and tried to talk at me.

Now, you have to understand something. This truck was piled ten feet high in the back with wooden cages with chickens all up in them thangs...feathers flying out, little white heads poking in and out of they cages. One cage actually fell off the truck, but the chicken was already dead...before the crash...I hope.

He ask me do I want a chicken. I said no and he said they fresh and they five dollars. I said sold. He got out the truck and up onto the bed, digging through the boxes. he held up one, but it was missing a leg. He held up another one and it was going crazy, all batting around and pecking at Iguan (I later learned his name because, well, you will find out). He finally held up another one and it was calm like a little white chicken kitten. I think I even heard it purring. I chose that one and right then Iguan threw the chicken at me.

Oh my God y'all I was not expecting this. The chicken flew at my face like a white furry missle and knocked me on my backside. The chicken started to run away. Iguan yelled at me that if I don't catch it I still have to pay for it. So, I get up and try to catch the chicken. I will tell you why the chicken crossed the road that day...because Lady Raptastic was after it with a garbage can lid in house shoes not about to pay five dollars for no chicken that ran away.

I caught it right before it lept off a wall into a neighbor's fake pond and bird bath/sanctuary (it's very classy) and brought it indoors. Iguana asked for his money and I said he could come get it in side. (I later learned his name because, well, you will find out). I put the chicken down and it immediately lept upon my old wheelchair (I keep it in the corner with a plant on it until I buy a new table for that spot). I let it sit there while I wrote out a check for five dollars. Iguan informed me he did not take check. I said that was all I had and that if he wanted to get paid for the chicken, he needed to take the chicken check. He said no and walked up and picked up the chicken, ready to leave. I was so angry I picked up a bag of spicy peanuts ready to throw them at his ugly face. But then I looked at the chicken in his arms...looking around the apartment...so curious, so sweet and innocent. I had to have the chicken. I walked up to him and Iguan take a few steps back. I kept walking. He tried to grab the door knob to get out but I slepped him on the jaw with the bag of spicy peanuts and he fell backwards in my hallway. (It was a big bag of spicy peanuts). The chicken went flying and I caught it. He got up and tackled me like a football player. I stumbled and fell forward hard over the back of my couch onto my stomach. I was holding the chicken close to my chest and was not expecting this tackle.

When Iguan got off me and I stood up, the chicken was lying on my couch, dead. Neck broke. Wing detached. Eyeball hanging out. (nasty). Iguan told me I had to pay for the dead chicken. I turned around and asked him what his name was. He said Iguan. (That's how I knew his name!) I said "Iguan, if you do not leave this house in two seconds so help me I will pull the couch around, pick it up and crush you with it. It's not that heavy and right now, I am insanely mad.

Iguan ran out of my apartment.

I walked back to the couch and all there was now was a white chicken sitting in the middle of a pool of chicken blood. I picked up the chicken and began to clean. And that is why there was the blood of a chicken on my couch.

Holla!

-LR
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Baby Stare Neglected

I am calling out to those of you who did not care to listen to Podcast 19 "Baby Stare". It is funny and worth yo time, so i do not know why it was so not listened to. Let me put this into perspective, ho. The Podcast 23 "Mortal Enemies" had 548 listens and Podcast 22 "Barbara" had 605 listens. Yet "Baby Stare" be left in the dust with 174 listens.

Download Podcast 19 "Baby Stare" now and giggle along with the Lady. And if you don't, i will get my private Investigator friend to hunt you down and get some dirt on you. And you know you got dirt up on you, ho. You a dirty ho.

Listen now:


And call the Lovely Lady Line- Nico be mad at me!

-LR
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Janet Jackson fat

Look at what Janet's t-shirt say: "You are what you eat, so eat good stuff." I think Janet is on the same page as me- good stuff means custard pies and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. (Source) And speaking of Lady J, you her and Mariah (not that fat) Carey be planning a duet, right? Jermaine Dupri is making this happen (of course). This is what he says:

"The hardest part is figuring out a song that fits both of them, because you have two different styles of artists, and the thing when you're dealing with divas is you don't want to overshadow either one, so if you were to do a song for them, it would have to work where both of them would feel they were on the same pedestal, or else someone's gonna have a problem."

Here's the way I see it- it's going to be a slow bounce mix of "Son of a Gun" and "Fantasy." Janet will rap and Mariah will soar over. I can't see Janet actually singing with the Butterfly, cuz, well, she can barely sing herself. (Let's wait awhile anybody?) Ooh I am Janet-hatin. I need to stop. Last time I hated was on Britney and people didn't like that. My bad y'all. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.

And somebody asked me if the photos of Janet are real. Um, hello. That is Janet Jackson. You must be blind to not recognize. Or just in need of some drama to question the authority of the Lady Raptastic. Ho.

For some reason my podcast is not updating correctly. Look for a new podcast soon. I am sick of all this not workingness. It makes me head hurt like a tarantula be spiking it with it's big one tooth. You ever seen a tarantula up close on tv? They look like monster faces, y'all. It's weird.

Some of you (Nico) have complained that a new Lovely Lady Line has not come out recently. that is because none of y'all hos is calling me. I ain't puttin out nothing stupid so I am waiting to get a collection of good stuff. Gotta keep da quality high for my public, okaaay!!? So get off you butt and leave me a message: 1-877-506-3403. Say anything. If you don't, I will send Nico after you with a large bucket of salt water to dump up yo nose.

-LR
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Podcast 24- Bird Shopping

Podcast 24: Intro by Bastardcast. I go bird shopping, run into a homeless man and fight off roaches with cookies.





Download Podcast 24

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Day off

Save Da Day is a production of the fabulous people at White Castle (of whom which I am a very large patron of at their fine dining establishments). They are trying to get some petition signed so that we can all have a day off after Super Bowl Sunday to rest and relax. I say Okaaaaay!!!!!

Girl, I need a whole day before I can go back to work so i can digest all that food I eat up on Sunday. My friends get together at 3am in the morning cooking for the men in our lives (I am single so I cook for my friends men) and by 9am we are getting our eat on. By 2pm most of us are still eating, but by 3pm, we are maxed out and are lying on the sofas all bloated like giant walruses on the beach. Ooh my stomach be hurtin then. I pop a whole roll of Rolaids and just pray the digestion time will be short. It ain't. So, this extra day off will definitely be welcome if it passes.