Episode 50: Sinkful

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Show 50: 33 minutes of Lady Love
I just released show 50 about a minute ago, so if you are not subscribed, please do so right now before I beat you with yo own fake-leather boot.

Show 50 notes:
-Neal Bortz likes me (Read his mention of me: "Have you heard of Lady Raptastic? Well, evidently talking about the FairTax has a rather unusual affect on some of her body parts."
-anorexia
-Opening Monologue Number 1: furniture store Chrsitmas tree
-Letters from Killa Cam and Chocolate Cake
-News about Meat Sheets and homeless bloggers
-Depends is a new sponsor of the show
-Opening Monologue Number 2: Sinkfull causes problems
-Apology for my awful show without Chris

Stats on my a**
967 people have come up on my myspace blog already today. Dang! I am a popular ho. I can't wait for the day when I go over one thousand. I will break out the bubbly, slip on my shirt and sit on my stoop and drink the night away. (Yes, right now I am topless. I usually am before 5pm. It's natural. Please...do not judge.)

I am in love
I seen him in line last night in the grocery store holding one of them little green baskets. I peep inside his basket and all he got is healthy stuff: fat free cheese, a bottle of water and a bottle of soy sauce. He must be a health nut. I am right behind him so I "accidently" bursh against his crotch with the back of my knuckles as I go to pick up the new Star magazine. (The one with that 90210 ho on the cover with her botched surgery face she "claims" is not sugerized. Please. Lineless and emotionless: surgerized. And what is with all the 90210 hos gettin attention these days. That horse faced one's daddy died and her UGLY mamma be cuttin her out of the will... Who else will come crawling out of the woodwork and have some eating disorder or panic attack or heart murmor or be gay?)

So back to hot man with the healthy basket. He stepped back and said "Excuse me?" and I said "There's more where that came from." I pick up a sausage log I had in my basket and start stroking it like it was on fire. He pushed by me and switched lines.

THE HUNT WAS ON!

I pushed the people behind me out of the way with my basket and followed him to the line he got in. He turned around and asked me to leave him alone. I said, "How can beauty be left alone? My hands was made to stroke you." I picked up the sausage again but he pushed by me, knocking the sausage out of my hands and my purse off my shoulder. A Korean woman picked it up for me and handed it to me. She said "Ooh that man is fine." I agreed, we did a high five, giggle then punch each other in each other's cheek cuz we legalized hos.

I left my basket behind (someone can put alll them groceries back for me. It's they job) and ran after him. He ran to the back of the store and into the bathroom. I grab a fire extinguisher from off the wall next to the men's room and start sweet talkin him through the door.

"Baby please come out and meet me. I am a nice ho...a nice girl. I can make your fantasies all come true." And with that, (You ever seen a stripper in a dirty magazine cover herself in whip cream?) I stripped down (No one was around. It was midnight) and shot myself with the fire extinguisher all over my body. You could not see the naughty parts but my arms and face were exposed. I sat there like a wrapped present, waiting for him to come out.

I waited.

For six hours.

I was woken up by the store manager who yelled for me to put my clothes on and get out. By that time the white fire extinguisher stuff had melted off me onto the floor, causing the floor to be wet. I stood up to collect my clothes and fell down again. I laughed and the store manager threatened to call the police. I look up at him...naked, clutching my wet clothes and snippets of my dignity and I said this...

"Sir. You ever been in love? You ever taste the rainbow? You ever climbed mount happiness and taste the sugar-sweet gooey goodness of hot tenderness and blessed rapture? I have. It's why I can sit here and not be humiliated. I am filled with the salty goodness of l'amour, mon papite. So when you call the cops, and I hope you do, tell them this woman is not only naked, not only sleeping in your store, not only refusing to leave and not only doing a fantastic monologue...

She is in love."

The cops got there and escorted me out. I never saw the man come out of the bathroom. I don't know if I will ever see his a** again. But if I do, so help me, I will wrap my body around him like a cocoon and never release him till he turn into a butterfly from within my Lady grasp.

Okaaaay!!?!