Call me Lady

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I ate a straw this morning.
I was at MacDonalds eatin they new shrimp biscuit with egg and cheese, mindin my own business, readin the paper and laughin at the funnies. You know, just havin a real good old time. I reach for my coffee, place the straw to my mouth and take a sip. Just then a gun shot rings out behind me, some man I do not know falls right on top of the back of my neck. I hear glass shatter and my face is slammed down onto my coffee, then onto the table. smack.

The straw goes down my throat to a point at which I cannot retrieve it.

I had to swallow it and pray for the best. As if that weren't enough please, I stand up, straw all swallowed, and am covered in blood by the man that was lying on top of me. I start crying and the manager asked me to stay calm, the police have been called. I said ok, sat back down and finished Garfield. He funny.

Yo Landlord
So I was talking to a realtor friend of mines, Naomi. (I hate her name by the way. Naomi. It sound like a pasta do it not?) She trying to convince me to buy an apartment building to make money for myself. I told her I could not afford it but she say she can get me credit through this friend she got up at her bank, First Mutual of Our Good Lady. It's a religious bank. Do not judge. I told her I already had $30,000 in credit card debt plus a diamond ring on lay-away at Rabbit Jerrlry Shop down the road. She said none of that mattered. I laughed in her face, hiccupped by accident and then coughed up the diamond ring. Apparently I had forgotten that the day I put the ring on lay-away, I also tried to steal it by "swallow", but done forgot about that. I took this as a sign I should "go for it" and told Naomi (hate that name!) to sign me up.

She make a call to her friend right there on her cell phone. I walk across the street to the food mart for a ice cream cookie sandwich. Those remind me of Easter. I come back and she say I got approved!

We went straight to her office to look at apartment buildings on her computer. I found one within my price range and we made an offer. Girl, they took it and now I am the proud owner of a 80-family apartment building! We close in two weeks.

Crime
A neighborhood dog came up at my faces yesterday and peed right on my stoop. I picked up a brick and one of my neighbors, LaGrink, scream at me from her stoop.

"You stone that dog and I stone yo a**."

I put the brick down and pet the dog. It seemed to smile at me through it's mangy fur covering it's eyes. I pet it on it's head. It must have had a sore on there cuz he went crazy and lunged for my gullet. Girl I reacted so fast even LaGrink didn't see me. I toss the dog in the air, did a three-spotted kick and got that dog straight clear across the street within two seconds. It landed on a mattres, so it lived. It shook it's head and walked it's way half down the block before a car ran up onto the sidewalk and kill it.

Y'all. Dogs is stupid.

-LR