Unbelievable but true, ho!

I was at a convenience store at 2am in the mornin buying a cherry coke slurpy and two bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos. (I love they new bag design, don't you? It looks like health food now) I went to the desk to pay and this man was asleep at the register. Asleep! I pulled out the boat horn I always carry with me when I am out of mace, and squeezed the trigger. He bolted upright, gave me a dirty look and beep-beeped my purchases. I scanned my debit card across the machine and he said "Um, it's denied. Do you have another form of payment?"

I said "Who what Harvard Business Review?!"

He said, "Denied. Your card is not worthy of making a purchase. Maybe you should blow that horn at your bank instead of me."

I looked at him and...I started to cry. I knew what the real truth was. I was broke. I look at him and said, "Please, sir, I know I blew a horn in your face and woke you up, unnerving you and causing you great pains...but can I please have this food for free? I am broke."

He took a store microphone, pulled it to his mouth, and said as loud as he could, "No!"

I grabbed the Doritos and run out the door. He apparently had a gun and shot three bullets through the window at me. I did a rolling dive onto the ground, feeling the bullet graze the back of my unshaven neck. A millimeter lower and the lady would have been paralyzed from the neck down...again! I crawled under a car and the man came out the front doors looking for me. I didn't know it at the time, but there was a man inside the car I was above. He started the car, backed up and peeled out. I clung onto the engine like Robert Deniro in "Cape Fear" girl. My hat fell off, my wig fell off as my bodies was being dragged, inches from the road, below his car.

He kept on driving. And driving. And driving. My fingers were bleeding, the back of my shirt was rubbed off from dragging along the street and I was about to pass out from absolute fatigue. My eyes were caked shut with dried eye goo from the wind blowing my my eyes while I was crying. The driver stopped at a toll booth about an hour after he began driving. I let go and let the car drive over me. The bumper caught my shoe and it flipped me over longways and onto my belly. I shake it off, look up and a car is coming right at me int he toll booth lane. I Spiderman-jumped up and onto the car's hood and just stood there, motionless, huffing and puffing from the stress. The driver was speechless and just sat there, staring at me. I was looking at him, all crazy-eyed. I still had my purse so I threw some change at the toll attendant and told the man in the car to give me a ride. Too scare to say no, he unlocked the passenger door but I crawled in through the sunroof, which was much harder and more akward than I thought it would be. I sat down and buckled the safety belt, looking at the driver the whole time.

He was a young white boy, about 20. Scruffy hair, tattoos all over his right shoulder and a cigarette dangling from his pouty lips. I thought he was wearing lipstick, but it wa shis natural lip color. I wanted to chew them off and eat them they looked so sexy, girl. I introduced myself. "I am Lady Raptastic. I don't normally do this. I am a flight attendant." (I lied to impress him. Do not judge).

"Hi. I am Criffer. I'm a gay bank robber. You want to join me?"

I said yes. At this point, I could not return to my normal life. I had to begin anew..or at least go rob a bank with Criffer and then never go back to that convenience store again.

We drove in silence to a bank that was closed. He walked up to the back window and smashed it in. He hoisted me into the window and I grabbed the bags of money that were just sitting there under the counter. I threw them out to him. He hoisted me back out and we made a quick getaway to a Denny's where my favorite waitress, Lurlene, was serving her famous coffee. Criffer and I toasted our newly formed bank robbing friendship and gnawed down on some Moons Over Mi-Hammy and an All-American Slam. He had an herbal tea and a salad. He gay, you know.

-LR
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The Lady Raptastic Podcast: 1-877-506-3403
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