Drama fo yo Mamma

Girl the cleanin lady come over. (I have a cleanin lady now cuz I can't keep this place up to my standards these days). Her name Clara. She about 85 years old with fake teeth. She real nice. She ask me to call her Granny. After she finished moppin the floors and washin the windows she and me sat down to watch a little Oprah. She fell asleep. I went through her pockets and found a matchbook and cigarettes. She 85 and she smoke girl! That is so wrong. I took them out and threw them away. She woke up and left. Later tonight she called askin for her junk. I tole her what I did and she got mad. I tole her I was savin her life. She call me a thief...and called the cops! Girl I had a cop come up in my house, frisk me, and take me down to the police station. I had to ride in the front seat cuz my chair is so big it had to be in the back. It wouldn't fit in the trunk.

I was in a cell with a girl named Reecey. She a ho. She asked me what I do and I said I rapped. She ask me to rap so i rapped. She like it. I ask her what she did and she said she trick. I didn't ask her to trick. I know what that is. I didn't need to see it. We got along great. She got released when I did so we went and got a drink at Percy's Bar. She wheel me home and who was on my stoop? That old cleanin lady. With a gun. Reecey grabbed the gun away from her but accidently shot her in the foot. I screamed and got inside my house. Reecy threw the gun in the trash on the stoop and came inside. She tole me the cops would find the old lady soon and we needed to get out of town. I said I was not the one who shot her and was fine to stay right here. She say I am what be called an accomplice and can be put in jail as well. Shoot!

I am packin right now. I stopped to update you. But until we talk again, Lady Rap is on da run! Okaaaaaaay!!!!!

Podcast: Lovely Lady Line

Download my new podcast y'all. I took the best of da calls I got on my Lovely Lady Line (1-877-506-3403) and feature them in it. You want to be in my show? All you gots to do is call.

Long story short I kicked the nurse out my house. She freak out that day I beat with her so she left. I am so happy. Halleluyaaaaah! She left a mess though. Full bag of trash in her room and some dirty laundry under her bed. She wouldn't tell me where she was going. I tole her to go to Canada and be a lesbian up there cuz nobody want her here. I show her picture to a lesbian friend of mine, Ann, and she say she so ugly she would never get none in this city. I feel bad for her but shoot, she crazy.

Anyways, I have bigger things to worry about- Tre-nyce wuz right- dogs do love they antifreeze. I gave some to a dog in the park. She be lappin it up..until her owner come up and yell at me. I tole her I was experimenting and to get away from me. She yell at me up and down so loud it scared me. I drop the can. She pick it up, open the cap and start dumpin it all over me. Girl I was burnin. We was right by the park pool so I wheel up to the locker room and jump in they shower. It was a crazy day.

I have spent the rest of my time tryin to walk. I am doin good. I can take one step so far. Each day when Oprah come on I take the strengths I get from her and her guests and work hard to stand up. One step. And next will be two! Pray for me y'all!

I got a letter in the mail from that lady who hit me. She is still suin me. I have to appear in court. I cannot wait to appear in court and it was HER who hit ME so how in the name of anything can she sue me? Her lawyer (who wrote the letter) say I caused severe physical damage, so severe it warranted her buyin a new car. Well, um...what about my legs? I cant go buy new legs! But I wn't need any. I will walk soon. Just you wait.

I have a new Xmas song comin out real soon. It's real nasty. I wrote it along with my friend DJ Poodle. Watch out for it cuz when it come out i will light up the sky like a burnin star.

I love you!

Lady Raptastic

She Married

Here come the skank. Here come the skank. He must have some bank cuz his face is lookin rank.

So this afternoon while dat nurse be out at da laundromats, I call up my ol boo Keith. He a playa and I know dis. But listen... sometime you just need the company of a man to set you right. And Lord know at dis poin in my life I need to be set right.

So Keith come over and we made some small talk about dis and a small talk bout dat. Dis where it get freak nasty, so kids cover your ears and parents change the channel. I set my Oreo sack down on the Layzee Boy and he put his orange drink down on the coffee table. He look at me like I'm da last ho on this earths. He stand up. I try to stand but fall out my wheelchair. He come over and try to pick my bodies up. I reach for him and hit the forward control on my wheelchair which causes it to hit him in the shins over and over by mistake. He fall back onto a side table and the goldfish bowl. I pull myself up and on top of him, gazin up in is brawny browns. I shift my weight onto his left side as apparently my weight be so much on his left he stopped breathin for some moments.

I give him a kiss and he be smilin. We makin contact and about to do some damage to dis rather dreary day. (OOh just thinkin bout it give me poetry--Okkkaaay!!!!) Then I try to remove my blouse. Just then, dat fish come boucin around his face and bounce so high he go up in the air and land in Keith's mouth. Girl he started to choke and wave his arm like a seagull goin crazy. He throw me off and be runnin around my house tryin to make himself throw the fish up. Just then, the nurse come through the front door. She throw down my laundry (I hate her- she threw it right into a pile of dust in the corner) and gave him da heimlichs. He hugged him from behind (I was jealous) and out pop that goldfish. Well, half of it. The other half come out after. Ew.

Needlesses to have been said, Keith was in no mood to continue the romantic interludinal motions we was getting into before the fish incident. He put me back in my chair, gave me a hug and left.

Let me give you a head up- I am going to be killlin a dog soon. No, not some man who cheated on me, but a real dog. It's my neighbor's dog. (And if you readin dis you nasty neighbor I do not care- call da cops...Yo dog is dead) He bark all day, all night, leave giant piles of dookee on the front stoop, the sidewalk, their backyard (which stank when the wind blows from that way), everywhere is his dookee dookee dookee. I looked up how to do the deed myselves. But I do not want to give up my favorite snacks for this task. Instead I spoke with my friend Tre-Nyce, a hairdresser my gay cousin know. He tole me to use anti-freeze. Apparently dis junk taste like candy to a dog. So, wait and check back tomorrow- I may be killin dogs.

Paris and her monkey

Here's a pic of that monkey Skank Mistress be carryin around. She ain't got nothin better 2 do than find a new Skank mascot? If I had all that money (and that free time) I'd be helpin people and startin charities. Dis what wrong wit da world- people with too much do too little for too few--

Remind me of dis girl I knew awhile back- Squeaky. She had dis man who bought her everything: diamonds, shoes, fur coats, leather hot pants, breakfast... She would walk around da hood with dis air like her stank don't stank. She coulda helped a sistah out with a cell bill or at least bail somebody out of jail, but no. She kept it all to herself. Finally one day she come up at my stoop lookin all sad- her man dump her. I tole her it would happen but she didn't listen. A few weeks passed and she still wearin them clothes he bought her. A month passed- same thing. I asked her why she wearin the same thing day after day and she say when he started buyin her clothes she threw away her old ones- all of them. So now all she had to wear was a pink half-shirt that say "Hot Stuff", one pair of leather hot pants, one pair of gold leather high heel boots and a fur coat. Every day. I saw her yesterday buyin bread at the store and she still had her "Hot Stuff" t-shirt on, but where there used to be little diamonds all over the shirt, there was just little glue dots. Sad ain't it?

Lovely Lady Line

Madonna got one. Xtina got one. Now I got one. I call it my "Lovely lady Line." Call and leave a message. If i like what you say I be puttin in up on my podcast. Say whatever you want so long as you know it be on my podcast for da world to hear and can be used whenever and wherever I choose. Tell me what you think of my site, my podcast, my lumps. (I cannot get nough of dat song! Fergie be ugly but she sang good)

Someone Married Xtina

So Miss Nasty if you're nasty, Xtina Aquilamaharaa, is getting married this weekend. Her dress be made by Christian Lacroix. Who dat? Sounds like he spiritual at any rate. But check this- her bridesmaids' dresses be made by the wife of Stevie Wonder. I hope she ain't blind too. If Xtina axed me to be up in her wedding and I knew his wife be sewin my stuff, I be makin Xtina show me her design before I say yes. She might not be good. You never know.

Thank you New York Post!

I was up in the wedding of my cousin Trenananan (yes that her real name). She had this lovely white gown with puffy cleeves and a low-cut top. She look like an angel with a weave. She had us up in these mini skirt jean dresses with yarn bikinis and thigh high hoochie boots. She were a stripper so I understood. She wanted to look classy and have everyone else look trashy. She ain't never had that feelin before. But still- I felted uncomfortable. During the service my boot heel crack off. I fell onto the nasty girl beside me, MreLwanDra. She push me off her and I fall backward into a planter full of fake flowers and pebbles. I stood up and me and that ho got into it. The wedding done stop, I got asked to leave and my entire outfit had ripped off. I was standing there butt naked right in the front of the wedding. I pick up some yarn that hadn't ripped, put it over myself and walked like a lady out of the building and down the street. Naked. People try to say stuff by I just warn I am packin. Didn't make no sense since I were naked, but people back off anyway.

Paris Nasty

Check dis mess. Paris Hilton, the ugliest, skinniest white girl since Michael Jackson, got herself a pet monkey...like Michael Jackson. And on Monday the monkey attacked her in a lingerie store. According to my sources, Paris Hilton came out the dressing room in a nasty bra and panties and the monkey got scared and tried to gauge her eyes out. Innocent bystanders cheered on the monkey. That sh** is bananas!

Oh, and what did she buy at the lingerie store? A $4k worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip. Not kiddin. She nasty ain't she? And then later dat night at Kelly "my brother be hot but I'm still fat dangit" Osborne's 21st birthday party hosted by that lingerie store, her monkey escaped. The show stopped for 20 minutes while they looked for it.

(thanksNew York Post for dis story)

In My Space

I just got me a myspace profile! I am now up with technology okaaay!!? Y'all get up in my space and be my friends. I am going to put some audio up on there and get it going on. It suck right now ut you wait- I be puttin some craziness up on there. It's so dang easy even I can do it. Okaaaay!!

Welcome!

This is the blog for my podcast show "Lady Raptastic Y'all."

BACKGROUND: I am an aspiring rap artist who got hit by a car and paralyzed from the neck down. I got the use of my arms again and my legs is slowly recoverin. While in the hospital I was broken up with by my boyfriend Troy, met an Italian burn victim named Peter (who made me a website as revenge on Troy) and got verbally abused by my life coach. I am home now, being tended to by that nurse I hated who, unbeknownst to me, married me while I was unconscious and vaccumed up Peter's ashes (he died) when I knocked them over while in a fight with my life coach who bring rotten pumpkins into my house.

*Special* Podcast- Xtina

Download PODCAST: Xtina (5 min)
I call the Xtina Aguilamalera fan line to tell her what her music be meanin to me. If she pick yo message it will be appearin on her next album. I recorded my calls. Yes, i called repeatedly. Well, it's either that or watch a rerun of Oprah I been done seen.

Subscribe to da show

Podcast 6- Marriage

Download PODCAST Episode 6: Marriage
Show Notes: I explain how the nurse got us married, what happened to Peter's ashes and I review a funny website called respectandtruth.com featuring a crazy Ali G person.

Podcast Episode 5

Download PODCAST Episode 5: Homecoming
Show Notes: I am home from the hospital. I have a new mode of transportation that you can hear, a new house companion and a visitor you will recognize. And he truly lives up to his reputation. I do not know why I even let him in my life.

Bob Denver dead, but Denver be alive with PLEASURE OKAAAY!!!

Make all da munchy and memory loss jokes you want, dis Denver story a hoot y'all. You know who movin there? My Auntie De'Trequint. Soon as she read that in the paper she broke her lease, dump her job at the laundramateria and scoot on to Denver. I say go girl. She crazy anyways and Denver probably attract bunches of people like her. She be in crazy heaven.

Madonna's new song be so dumb. I hate it. She ain't know how to throw beat. It's just so plain and boring. and the lyrics is stupid. You just know dat junk be used for a phone commercial in two weeks. She a sell-out fake. Lil Kim take her any day. By the way check Queen Bee's jail blog The comments is hilariousness.

And speakin of comments. go check the comments from a day or two ago when some freak be comin into MY BLOG cursin at me. You know I let that nothin-face have it. Go read it. I'll sit here and wait. Go on!!!

Ok I be playin- I am goin to the nail salon downstairs to get my nails done up right. I am leavin this mess soon. Can't wait to be back in my home, watching my television and eatin some butter popcorn. Holla!!

Lindsay Brown-Hair

Lindsay got brown hair again. I try puttin a dang picture up but dis computer I stole from dead Peter ain't workin right. Y'all they wheel him out just now. I kiss him on his forehead. He said his website he made me with sangin on it is done. He sent it to a friend of his to finish. He explain it to me, but then he start spittin up blood and his arem near fell off. I turn back around and putmy head under the covers. It was very traumatic. I suck on a candy and think Oprah thoughts. He were sweet.

Lil Kim be writin up in da slamma. "She's writing a lot of music in there," said Maricela Cuvlye, a prisoner who was released last week after serving six years. She spends lots of time in her cell by herself, just to write." You know she sayin "Y'all get my tiny butt out of dis dump and get me some Givenchy and Louis and MY HAIR BACK!!" (Props to Best Week Eva)

I had me a diet coke the other day and I bout got nauseated. Taste like peppers and acid. Ew nasty. I aint had one in years but since that nurse be all up in my grill (speakin of grill- LOVE THE NEW SONG!) about losin weight. She say I can lose weight if I stop drinkin soda with sugar in it. I told her she can save her arm by not talkin or I will twist it off for her. I swear- pencil in the foreheard, pencil in the forehead.

Ok, I got to go. A-Men is on. Below is some stuff I blogged about earlier. I bored up in dis mug so I did bunches and oodles of posts today. You is welcome.

Foxy is Deaf

Listen at dis y'all


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And did one too


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