1-888-2-Confess

I call Madonna crazy line:


Take it witchoo

People triflin on my blog comments get a verbal beat down from me:


Take it witchoo

Penney had a baby

I am fine with her havin that baby. I am fine that she married then annuled a marriage with James drug lord Debarge. What I cannot forgive her for is that she let Rebbie raise her. Rebbie?! Centipede?! Well, I guess when your only other alternative be Latoya, Rebbie be lookin good.

I found this comment on some random blog:

"If you just think back to when Fame was on TV, you'll remember when Janet got really chubby, and they started hiding her belly behind some big notebook she was carrying, or she was always behind a desk or table"

I remember that mess. She were always behind somethin. One time she be walkin down a hallway behind two overweight twins in marchin band hats wearing capes. Another time she was in the cafeteria and a giant cornucopia (it was Thanksgiving) be up in front of her on a table. Then as she walk out from it, them two twins was back in front of her, this time in giant turkey costumes. I was like "Who?"


She most lovely, she a good actress and she be a sistah to boot...but Hallie Berry revealed to planet earths via her slaps that she got six toe up on her foot!?!! She got more toe than a Lindsay Lohan bikini. She got more toe than AAA Towin. Ooh y'all I am on a rolls! (I wish I wuz up in one though OKAAAAAYYYY!!)





Ashford and Simpson got competition now! Check out these fools: Carlos Alomar with recording artist/chapter member Lea-Lorien (why ain't we neevr heard of her?) and Fonzi Thornton (Fonzi!?) be turnin out some ooogly clothing choices in a photo I found up on the Grammy website. They look like heads on top of a a pile of fabric in the bargain bin at KMarts. This photo be makin my eyes hurt. I need a tranqelizers.



Mariah be bein honered Dec 7 at the "The Recording Academy Honors" at Gotham Hall, NYC, Cocktail reception 6:30 p.m. Mariah? Cocktails? You know she be there. I remember back in the day when she just be gettin divorced. She was all prim and proper. Now she be stretch out in the VIP downin' Courvoisier wearin a tube-top lickin salt off the legs of NBA starters OOKKKAAAAAYYYYY!!!?? Oh and buy her new double Xmas cd y'all- it got dis claymation video that look cute (props to Mariah Daily)

Podcast: A Special Car

After a visit from the black clown association, I makes some calls in attempt to find a car that a legless lady can drive. I am not legless but you know what I mean. They ain't workin yet.


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Mariah Be Over Da Rainbow

Y'all seen dis? Mariah got an older gay woman girlfriend and she be so ugly grrl. She look like a pit bull mixed with Mike Tyson. Ooh she ugly. Least she could get a pretty girl. I could seen her with Beyonce. They be a pretty couple. WHAT AM I SAYIN!!?? Y'all they got me on these tranquemelizers up in this herspital. Pardon my insansity.




Who choose dis ugly gorgon purse-lipped balding greasy pock marked troll to be da new Bizzond? He look like a Sting wax model that been left out in the sun. I heard Lindsay Lohan be tryin to be up in dis movie. Dat would be very good. Miss ho sacks need a comeback.



Fantasia diss her hometown peeps by sayin she lefted school and couldnt read, yet there's a sign in that dump town that say "Home of Fantasia." Truth hurt and them people need to recognize she became a star IN SPITE of her schoolin. Go girl! Who you think could win in a scrap- Jennifer Hudson or Fantasia? Also, check out the town's attempt to convince people they town is just peachy. It's called "Fantasia Lies."

*If ya'll have some funny or interestin articles or pictures, please forward them to Lady Raptastic for review.

Lawyer Photo and Letter

The lawyer for that lady done sent me a photo of the car that hit me. It look like the car got hurt pretty bad when I flipped over the top of it and landed on my backside. The photo wuz accompanibied by a letter sayin all dis stuff about me owin her money for "involuntary personal possession endangerment" and "complete destruction of vehicular property." I mess her car UP GIRRRRLLL!!!

Da site Peter makin be lookin hot y'all! I was laughin it so good. He use da same photo from my blog and made it look very much like my blog- blings and all okaaayy!! I am very excited. He said it might be ready dis week. For those of you about ready to dump somebody, wait a few days.

Oh that nurse be givin me troubles again. She brings me my meal this morning- the tube, and hooks it up hard. I tole her she screw it in that hard again and I swear I will pick her up with my ears and body slam her. She start makin fun of me and made me cry. Just then the doctor come up in there and tole her to leave. Maybe I can get her fired. I have done it before very easily up in a Wendys. Dis girl gave me sas, we had it out and she got fired. Next week I seen her up on da bus. She try to start somethin and I slap a Oprah magazine acrossed her face so hard she fall backward and black out. I run out the bus screamin "WHERE'S YO BEEF HO?! WHERE'S YO BEEF!!?"

Holla!

In Da News

Y'all I be bored up in this dump so I gots to do some reportin.

I just read about dis woman be havin her 16th baby! The question ain't why she havin so many babies, the question be why he wanna be all up in someone with hair like that? That hair is a cry for help. She can't say "God release me from this existence so's I can go be a Las Vegas show girl." No. she gotta let her hair do the talkin. And why do white girls believe the bangs be a separate entities from the rest of they head? It's like she think her bangs be this hat that frame her face like a bonnet. She look stupid.

Ooh Jennifer Anniston be trippin with that fat man. Why she go from stud to faddass? I mean really? Who she tryin to fool with this man? He a rebound boy if I ever seen one. And I have seen many okaaaaaaayyy!!!



Vanity Fair, some white people magazine I see in the store next to the checkout line while I am reading "Fabulous Braids" (my favorite mag!) lightened Beyonce's skin cuz they thought white people wouldn't buy they magazine. Ooh that make me so mad. I call on a boycott of Vanity Fair everybody. From now on grab an issue of "Fabulous Braids" and put it in front of the Vanity Fair! Then, buy Vanity Fair and use it as toilet paper!



What be wrong with dis grrl? She crazy. Salma Hay-yah so desperate to be in movies she do pictures like dis? I did pictures for a sleazy man once. He paid me $50 to wear a table cloth and his dead wife's hat. I was fully covered but the table cloth got burned when I accidently fell onto a burnin candle on his coffee table. He paid me the money but he was mad cuz that tablecloth was his wife's favorite one. Oh well, if you liked it so much you nasty sleeze why you payin baggurls $50 to pose up in it? Okaaaayyy!!!

*If ya'll have some funny or interestin articles or pictures, please forward them to Lady Raptastic for review.

My Arms is Tingling!

Ohhhh ya'll! Today I woke up and my arms feel all numb like when you sleep on them wrong. They felt like ants be walkin up all over me. That happened to me once at a picnic. I ate a pie and fell asleeps on the grass with some pie still on my face. And my dress. And my legs. I woke up and ants be up all over my bodies. I had to remove my clothing and jump into a public fountain.

So I call the doctor in by pushing my mouth button, and he tells me that it might mean my feelings is coming back in my body. I was so excited, I think it caused me to release my bladders. I dont really know cuz I can only feel my head. That nurse had this plain nasty ugly look on her face when she be changin my diaper. There is no need for that y'all. If it happens, it happens. It's her job to deal with it. I tole her I dont care if they be roaches crawlin out or Lionel from the Jeffersons churnin butter up in there- she better wipe that look off her face before I give her somethin else to wipe off. Okaaaaaayyy! If you gots to change a grown womans dirty diaper, at lease do it with a smile!

Speaking of, my mama came to visit me today. I was so happy to see her since she been in the hospital herself since last week. She just got out and hopefully I will be out of here soon too.

Peter keeps telling me how good the website look that he be makin for me. I cant wait to see it, but he say its a surprise. I ain't givin it away, but I will say I recorded the website's rap extra special cuz y'all been so supportive and y'all have probably done broke up at some point, so you will be able to relate. Peter spend hours at a time working on it and I kind of feel bad, but he say he gots nothin else to do in between the scar tissue scrapes.

Oh, I almost forgot. Today I herred some troubling news. The lady whoms car I destroyed with my body say she going to sue me for damages to her vehicle! I start screamin at her like, what is you talkin about??? I was a perdestrian and you done front ended me! She say the car fixin people didn't believe that she could have possibly hit anything human. Based on the amount of blood and hair that was smeared on the car, they thought she had hit a dairy cow. Then she tell me, you will be hearing from my attorney, and hang up. I dont know whats goin to happen, but I will keep you informed. I love you all. Write me so I have somethin to read up in herr!!!

Podcast: Peter & My Life Coach

Y'all, here is da long awaited podcast from last week. It got all messed up so I had to get Peter to fix it for me. Listen if you want to finally meet Peter and here what my crazy life coach gots to say.


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Podcast Removed

Dis da lady... Da podcast that i put up here I had to be taken it down for rehab. Not Courtney Love rehab, but it just had to be reworked. It will be up on Monday when Peter get around to it. He up in da liquid treatments now and be sedated for the next few days. By the way, this be his picture to the left... before the fire. You aint going to want to see him now. Girl, it took me a little while just to be able to look him in his good eye.

I am so bored up in herrr. Nothin but stupid tv shows and nurses come and check my pulses. Somebody send me a magazine or somethin. What is in the latest Oprah? Send me some news or somethin. I am about to pass out from boredom.

Ooh last night one of the nurses had her a goin away party in the nurse lobby. They had cake and ice cream. Lashun brought me a piece. I tole her I would give her a five if she brought me half da cake. She did and ooh if peter was conshus we would have had ourselves a par-tay! But it would have been interupted by screaming doctors and nurses cuz girrrl, I forgots about the feeding tube and went into cardiac arrest again. This be the second time in 2 days they had to pump out my lungs! So now they gots a muzzle on me that straps over my face. I cried at first, but maybe it will help save my life. Food is a bad temptation for me.

My Late Post - Thursday Night

Ya'll, I am so sorry for not postin much today. I have been a complete mess! They gots to feed me with a tube into my stomach and the worse part is that I cant taste a thing. The doctors be tellin me I cant eat real food cuz my body aint right, so I had my Aunt Miquinte' sneak me in some KFC. Grrrl, I gobbled dat up so fast I be seein the bottom of the bucket in like 10 seconds! I didnt realize it wuz all goins into my lungs. All these alarms be goin off and my eyes be rollin back in my head. Last thing I remember before goin into cardiac arrest was seein my Auntie jumpin out da window, like she werent involved! And we be on the third floor! I hope she all right.

I'm okay now. They say I had a flat line for a couple seconds, but after they jolt me and pump out my lungs, I'm fine. I need some upliften ya'll. I am lookin forward to my second meetin with my life coach tomorrow. He be comin at around 2, so I gots to be ready. What am I talkin about, like I'm goin to be doin anything! Maybe I'll let you meet my new friend peter. He a riot. They took off his bandages today and he be looking all scary like a monster. He dont even have a nose ya'll! They gots to train him to talk right, cuz he be all talkin foreign and stuff. It cute though. He mostly keep to himself on his laptop (thats what I be using to write my posts by the way... he a very generous man). Thank you all for your outpourin of support! I still need prayers cuz the doctor say he aint sure if the paralisees is permanent. Love ya'll.

PS. Stay tuned because I should have a new podcast up tomorrow (Friday). Hopefully I wont be so emotional as a couple days ago.

I Still Cant Move!

Thank you for da notes and emails. It reminds me that the goodness in the world outpowers the bad. Like snow fallin on a burnin car. And speakin of bad, I am posting Troy's email for you to write nasty things to him. If you feel more comfortable you can post them as comments here. That be ok. I understand cuz if I were done asked to email someone I did not know, I would feel weird cuz what if they be crazy. And as evidenceded by the phone message I played for you on my previous podcast-- HE CRAZY! So, go ahead and send your hate mail to my comment box ladies and menses, and I will forward it anonomassly.

Ya'll, I met a very sweet man yesterday named Peter. He a burn victim in the bed next to me. Peter is completely seweded up into bandages, but he can still walk and talk and even showed me a new dance he maded up- the Scram. It be cute since he Italian, but kinda sad at the same time. Anyway he real nice. I never seen his face, but his voice sounds familiars to me- like Montel only sissier. He don't talk right cuz the fire mess up his mouth or somethin. He say he know how to use computers and that was his job before the accident. He won't tell me what happened, only sayin dat "Melissa will pay, Melissa will pay" and then changes the subject to computers. He been listenin to me and my stories about Troy. He say I should get revenge on him. I told him I was postin his email but he say I should go further. I told him that I once stab a guy in the elbow when he cheated on me. Not too deep, but just enough to know I mean bizness. I don't want to stab no one again- I can't run very fast no more. Actually I can't even move any part of my body no more.

Alright boo I gotta get my lunch here eaten. The tube is already in my neck and the lady waitin for me to sit back down so she can turn on the button. Wait, aint the tube suppose to go in my stomach. Well, I hope she know what she doin!

troyboy2321@yahoo.com

Podcast: Troy's Voicemail

Sadness has kreped up over me like a dead vine stranglin a body at the cememetarys. I hav deep depressions and sadness. Why? Of course it has to do with my current state of unmovability. But also, I have some very sad news: Troy broke up with me. And here is the voice mail. I have an emotional intro but please listen to it. I have expressions to share. If you was all crippled like me I would listen to you. Okaaaay!!??



Click here to download the sadness

Lady Raptastic in Trouble

Girrrrl, you will not believe this. You will NOT believe this! Today I'z drivin down a road called Rosalind which cuts right through the downtown. They be like a red light for every 10 second of drivin, and I was da first in line at the light. As I was approachin, dis young black girl in a mini skirt come ridin on her bike cross the street. See thats the first problem! When I was growins up, mama would have slapped my head off if I cross the road without holdin her hand, but especially if I road my bike cross. Everyone be knowin you gots to walk the bike.

I see this girl trying to act all bad like she could eat a apple with both hands while riding da bike simultanastely. Girrrl, those handlebars flung around backwards and she flew over the bike onto the assfault. I got to see this in front row. I think I must have screamed louder than she did cuz as she in mid air, her head turn and look at me. It was kind a scary like dat video of bigfoot where he be walkin by and his head turn to the camera. All this happen in slow motion. She fell so hard, her shoe still be laying in the middle of the road.

I didn't want to get out the car, but I knew I had to help her since she a sista. Girrrl, they be all this traffic honking and I'm out in the road collectin her shoes and pickin up her bike. Dis part you wont believe, she yell at me! She say, "Dont touch my shoes ho!" I think it was cuz she be all embarrased for fallen in front a everybody, but that still aint right. So I take her bike and throw it under a moving vehicle. I wasn't tryin to disrepect, but she gots to learn a lesson. I was still in the middle of the road screamin at her, "I'm gonna kill you bi%$&!" when a old woman drivin a BMW come at me like a train. Girl, they be dis moment where our eyes meet and we both screamin. She had dis look like she bout to hit a deer. I know I'm gonna get hit so I jumps about 3 feet into the air and do this double flip onto her windshield and roll over da car landin on the road behind it, on my back. Last thing I see before I pass out was that little whore peddelin away laughin.

Ya'll, I be all up in the hospital now. I don't know whats wrong, but all these wires be all around me and I think I might be paralized. I really need ya'lls support right now. I dont know whats gonna happen. I type dis whole thing with my mouth. It took me four hours! Its hard to make the symbols cuz you have to hold the shift key and punch the buttons at the top. Pray for me ya'll!

Sonia my grrrl!

I want to give a shout out to my grrrl Sonia. She wrote me the sweetest comments! And let me say right now if you write to me I will give yo' butt a shout out as well! I love the attention! I loooove it!!!

Ok, here are a few things Sonia-grrl said:

"....I was laughing so hard that I thougt I was going to do a doo-doo..."

LR: That made me doo doo for real grrl. No, seriously. Hold on i gotta go change.

"I'm a Lady Raptastic GROUPIE!!!!"

LR: is that somethin dirty? I don't know what a groupie be. But since you bein so nice- hey! Groupie on!

"...I hope you don't mind I spread your blog to all my friends.."

LR: As long as that's all your spreadin....OOOOhhh!!! No, seriously now. Listen and listen good everybody- tell yo friends, yo family, yo mamma, yo ex-boyfriends, yo dentist, yo cell phone carrier- everybody, tell everybody about this lady, the one the only...Lady Raptastic! The only way i am gonna make it to the Soul Train Awards in 2009 (that is my goal!) is with yo support. So support, show love, and tell yo friends (except the oogly ones- I ain't got time for them oogly boys) about my blog and stuff.

Aliens loves me!

My blog was chosen to the high esteem of the "Most Likeliest to be Contacted" by a certain Blog in Space! Now, I have to say that I do not know what in the earth this means, but I got it and when I gots it, I flaunts it. I do remember signing up for this when I saw it on Pink is the New Blog. Now THAT is the blog! That boy crazy funny!

Podcast: My Life Coach

(Dis podcast is also available on Itunes so go there and subscribe) Mean nasty life coach turns my life from dumps to pumps!


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Write Lil Kim!

We must give our full support to Lil Kim during this time of tragicness:

Kimberly Jones / 56198-054
FDC PHILADELPHIA
FEDERAL DETENTION CENTER
P.O. BOX 562
PHILADELPHIA, PA 19106

You need to go to her site and join her mailing list. She need all the support she can get in this time of crisises.

I would like to organize a care package for Little Miss the Kim. We could do a "We Love You" book with pictures and stuff up in it. I have a photo album. I will probably do something up real nice. Put some stickers and glitter up on it. I know a friend who can draw faces, but only in profile. That might be nice.

Its gettin HOT in herr!

Ya'll yesterday it was hot! What happen to cool summer breezes? I be all up in my crib pantin. My mama was downstairs yellin at the dog, but I think she be hearin me. I feel bad though, cuz Julius, our lasa absa got kicked up for no reason. Have you ever hear a small dog catch a pimp slap cross the face, with a foot? Its all good though cuz we make mama wear bunny slippers to pad the blow. You never know when she gonna snap and dat dog is gonna be in the way.

So I was sayin how hot it is. An you wont believe this, my air conditioning broke. Not the whole house, just my wall unit in my room. I was talkin to my friend Le'vanemadonte', girl she be all up in da phone cryin cuz her man be cheatin on her. Its real easy to do that though cuz she gots one of them conditions where you eat too much an her plyroids dont burn it up. Her boyfriend be sweet, but I kinda dont blame him for wanderin his eyes round. Who wants to sit by her bed all day long spoon feeding her pudding? She be weighin alot. I think the doctors be tryin to help her but they gots to bust out one of the walls first.

So I'm all on the phone in room and the temprature be risin like an oven. An since my phone is connected to the wall, I be stuck like a turkey. You know they gots turkey in the supermarket right now for $1? They mus be left over from last thanksgiving but I had two today. Anyway, its so hot, I start taking off my clothes piece by piece, an since I was wearin a dress, it only took one pieces. Thats when mama came in holdin Julius and when she see me... girrrl, I was face up butt nekked on my bed with the phone cord twirlin around my finger. Thats when I see her eyes start rolling in the back of her head, and she faint and landed on top of the dog.