Audioblog can just kiss it

I am so angry! i did a 15 minute post and it did not get recorded y'all. I am so angry. You tell audioblog.com to shove it up they nose cuz I am mad!


download the 3 minutes and then hear me get cut off

23 seconds and then cut off AGAIN--- And i kept on talking girl. For fifteen more minutes. oooh I am so mad at audioblog y'all.


Download 23 seconds and hear me get cut off-- I am so mad!!!

Janet Jackson is fat!!

Have mercy! My girl is all big again (remember the Control album? Hello!) I just saw this picture of her and I about dropped my laundry basket. What is Jermaine Dupri feeding that girl? He like his girl big. Look at Mariah. Ooh! Janet was the girl who was knowd for her abs and now look. I guess they are still there...just be under a lot of flab.


(Update: Everybody be coming to this page first instead of the homepage, so I included the poem below from a newer post)

Janet Jackson fat: a poem
By Lady Raptastic

You big as a jelly roll.
How did you lose control?
You as big as all creation
You you're own rythm nation.
It's clear ya ain't been sensible
going overboard with your pleasure principle.
Fat you do compile
As you tell Jermaine "Let's wait awhile."

Janet you better win this fat-butt bout
cuz you got a new album coming out
And I think it will be rather scarry
If you come out bigger than Mariah Carey.
Cuz the two of you be doing a duet
the title of which be "Big Girls" I bet.

Do not get the wrong impression
I like my fruit cake chomping session
Diggin into a cereal box
spreading my bread with jelly and lox
But I got charisma, charma and some vim.
(And a memebership to a decent gym)

You betta step up and go on a run
cuz seein you fat ain't no fun
It's like a bad episode of "Law and Order"
You used to be "Penny" now you a quarter.

I was going to do a haiku but my kimono got eaten by moths in my closet. I only do haiku in that kimono.

And speakin of flab...i went bathing suit shopping. Not for no reason, just cuz I don't have one. It ain't the season I know, but there were still some shops that be havin they stock out. Pictures to come. I had the sales man, Lavert, take some photos of me in the dressin room. I tried on a purple string bikini but it was snug. Then I tried a yellow one-piece. That looked good and stuff. I like that one the best. I bought it. Levert gave me a discount. If you ever go to...what was the name of that store. Oh well, if you ever go to a store and a Lavert be working there, girl, he be very helpful. And he give discounts.

I did my nails today. Rust colored. Then the pinky is of course pink. With a diamond in it. Girl it look good. I got my stuff bangin like a jeep Cherokee. Ooh I love them Jeep Cherokees by the way. I think they are so just masculine! When I see a boy up in one I just get all tingly and ripley and just... mmmm!

Ooh speakin of Mariah, have you heard Shake it Off? I like it. It's not as good as "We Belong Together" though. That was and will be the jam of the year. That sh** is bananas!

Ok a lot of people be talkin bout Kanye. Heres what i got to say. I don't think nobody don't like nobody. Everybdy like everybody so just calm down. I think that FEMUR got they a mess on they hands is what I think. They didn't know what to do cuz well, they just was havin a bad week ok? You ain't never had a bad week? Like when you miss the bus, drop your purse and forget about your diet? Shoot, people in glass houses should not throw them stones ok?

Julien my Boo!!

Ok so I ain't got no comments on my blog yet...until sweet sexy Julien done writ me to say hey. (this pic is not Julien. I just searcheded "Julien" and dis came up. He cute though ain't he?)

I have to share with you what he say cuz it so sweet:

----hey gurrl, i just discovered your podcasts and i luuuuuv what you do.. you go gurrl.. keep rocking that thing

Okkkaaayyyyy!!! I like how he say he discover me....like a treasure trove on a deserted beach...and me, the skurvy wench waiting for my Julien.... I also like that he say "luuuuuuuv" instead of the correct spelling "luv." It's sweet. I bet he give his girl greeting cards just for no reason other than to say hey and be sweet. Don't you Julien? Don't you boo?! And then he asked me to keep rocking my thing! Ooh I am getting faint. He like my thing girl! Well, Julien, I have two guarentees for you: number one, my thing will continue to rock for you....and number two... if you want dis thang then all you gots to do is ask.

I bet Julien a construction worker. All hot and sweaty, coming home to his Lady Raptastic after a hard day building junk. And I got his pot roast and vegatables in a white ceramic bowl just waiting for him. I got orange braids and a bikini on with tassels. He eat his food and then he asks me to rock my thang. And girl, do just that...

okay, so that was one message he left. Here's the other one...

---Gurrl, i'm so sad right now... i can't download your podcast today... what is wrong???

Girl when Julien can't hear my music or my talking, it make him sad. Oooh Julien...I don't want to make you sad. I don't know why you couldn't download it. I check it and it work alright on my side. Did you hear my new jam with my friend? It sound like crud on this blog but when I heard it on real speakers and not all made-small by the interenet, it sound tight!!

So Julien...I want you to write me again. But this time boo...write me to my personal mailbox. lady@ladyraptasic.com. And if you are not Julien but still want to ask me questions or just say hey, drop me a line, boo.

Ok, I got to go do my feet. The nailpolish is drying and now I have to exfoliation.

Bye!!!!

I ain't talkin! I am writin!

Ok so I got some feedback about my lil blog. My friend E'Twray say he don't like my audioblog posts. he say he prefer when I write. This confuseded me because I enjoy the audioblogs more than having to type all this junk. This is a debate in which I beleive will be open for some time. However, for now, I am going to type more and just post my new jamz. We'll see how dat goes and then go from there.

I went to the Red Lobster last night and had me some popcorn shrimp. I can take a handful of them things and just...INHALE them things. And when they do the free refills, girl, they have to kick me out for me to stop chewin down on them things. I love tarter sauce too. Dip me some of them in some of that and ooh sweet merciful raisins I am in the sky!

My favorite shirt got a rip and a stain in it. My neighbor's dog got at it when it fell off the line. I was drying some clothes at her house and he saw it when it fell. Girl that dog took off like a bullet and it was gone before I could save it. I love dogs. I didn't want to interrupt his happiness. It made me smile to watch him rippin and shreddin it. He was so happy. My friend try to interrupt him but I said no and just watched.

Ooh my friend went out last night with this man she met at the store. She say he seemed nice at first, but as the night wored on, his hands got all feely and expressive up on herself. She said at one point he went to far so he had to pop him one. He stormed off and left her at the club. She call me and I said to catch a bus. She got one and all was good. She called me when she got home and we talk all about it. We stayed up so late I woke up late this morning. But she feelin better so it all good. You gots to take care of your friends yo.

I need my feet rubbed.

Ya'll I got me the jam right here yo! This thing be tight (and a little on the weirdo side) but my boy DJ Ronnie be hookin it up and I luvs his zany side. (plus he ain't too bad to look at either, okaaaaay!!!??)


MP3 File

Pizza Delivery

The pizza man done try to rip me off but you know I handled it like a lady.



Download da fight


I found a kid's toy on the street on the way home today. It was a wooden doll with a face on the front. It remind me of when i was a young baby girl growin up. My Mama would take me to the park and I would love it so much that when she told me it were time to go home I would cry. I would stand up and cry and run from her. She run after me so much she get tired. I laugh and run to this jungle gym and hide. She come there, grab me by the coat and drag me home. Ooh I knew I was in for some whoopin, but I didn't care. It was just fun on that park and I loved it. It remind me of how much I loves da club. You can't DRAG me out the club when it's on. And sometime I be having to be dragged out da club by security or some old chick who wanna scrap. And then i leave the club, but not before making a scene grrrl! People wants a show and I gives it to them you heard me?

Troy- my new jam- Listen!

History: My boo Troy made me a beautiful recording professing his love to me on our 6-month anniversary. I made a song from it.

Download my new jaaaaam "Troy"


Ok so here it go. I had alovely weekend. Yay! First off, Friday night I went to see a comedy show with a friend and his friend. He a friend, not a friend friend so do not go there. We laughed, all of us. But the waitress wanted to charge me $4 for a bottle of water. I look at her and said "I will pay you two dollars and consider that polite considering I could bust yo lip in two seconds...now STEP!" She trip up them stairs so fast you thought she was on speed or something! Well, the manager come down them stairs and he let me have it. I swung my purse at him but he caught it mid-swing and asked me to leave. I waited outside for an hour while my friend and his friends watched the show. Dang why people can't be nice? And not charge so much for water? It ain't gold plated!

SO when they come out the club I met up with them and went to get some food at "Happy Toon" Chinese restarauwnt Girl I love me some Happy Tune. They know me by name up in there. They always happy to see me. I put some quarters in the juke box while we was waiting for our food. I played "Crazy IN Love" and did some grinding and shaking next to the goldfish tank. People was staring but you know they was entertained. Had I had my kareoke machine and my fly shoes I would have done a rap show. But alas..good things come to those in time.

So we ate and I did not pay for mine. I made up some reason. I think I said it made me burp and I never burp. They argues but I screamed and they let me go without paying. They stupid. I had the money. See, people who own places should be smarter. Am I right or what?

Then we walked to the club. Girl it was on...or so I thought. Once we got in, it was dead. it looked packed from outside. But no. About a hundred people in there. Look like a surprise party waiting for the guest of honor to arrive. We all just standing around, not talking, holding our cheap drank. It were stupid. I found me a boy to talk with but he had his girlfriend up in the bathroom. I told him I was better. She come out and dang- I got to say- she were pretty. I was nice and walked away without a fight.
The rest of the night was stupid and I will not go into it. Let's just say I ended up having to call a cab cuz a certain friend of a friend forgot I was there and left without me. Like I said, i do not want to talk about it.

Britney and Me

Britney's new perfume called Fantasy (hello Mariah rip-off!). She had this podcast and I had some fun with it. I hope you enjoy me and Britney's piece of Fanatasy.

Download Me and Britney's Fantasy Podcast

I was not funny last night and it was quite a frustration. I am going to learns from this. Listen and you do some learnin too:

click here to listen on your walkman later when you got the time, mister important

Stop Hatin

MP3 File

Aristophat

Get me Downloaded

Missin my Doo Doo

Dis post be all solemnish and stuff. No funny stuff, no haha..ha for Lady Rap today. She sad. She thinkin bout that man that got aways.

I cannot get enough of Hollaback girl- ooh that is the thing. I know it old, but you know what? A good song don't get old! Never! Like everybody be dissin "We Belong Together" cuz they overplay it but girl THAT IS AND FOREVER WILL BE MY JAAAAAAAAAM! I read something bout where it was the very last song she wrote for her album, and she record it all in one take. (Whatever!!!) Like we supposed to believe that junk! She so crazy- but that jam is banana girl!!!!

Talk to the Palm

I got a story for you today girl. I got me a tree from this hot man cuz I sang for him. Be still in the presence of the Lady Raptastic.

MP3 File

Dennys Got Game

Yo yo y'all I got my grub on and got a lil story to tell. Click on this thing below that say Audioblog and listen to Momma preach.


MP3 File

Star treatment

At the McDonalds this mornin Raynaldo, this old guy who always give me grief, gave me my biscuits for free. I asked him for a Coke but he said that was going overboard. I pulled down my top a lil bit and let 'em breathe. Nothin too scandalous. You'd thought I just showed him the Dali Lamama cuz he filled up a Super Size for me in two seconds flat. I was like Okaaay!

You know sometime you feel down and blue? I feel that way right now. I just wanna sleep all day. You know? Like, sleep...and eat....and watch Oprah....then go back to sleep....then watch the Oprah that come on at night.....

Troy my boo

Dear Troy- I got your mix tape boo. I loved it. It made me so happy I did the twirls around my livin room. (then i spit up a little but I clean it up). Troy I have to say this- You my boo. You make me so warm inside I sweat on the outside. My skin flare up and get real dark and blotchy when I see you. My pores open up and ooze a shiney love juice that pour out like Fanta (the purple kind). I love you boo, so much I want to rip off my wig and shout to the heavens..I love you Troy!

Reba

I was watching a tape of Reba the other night I found in a parking lot on my way home from the store. Girl she is not funny. And all them people are not funny. Reba used to be a singer, right? I was in grade school when she was a singer. I think I remember one of her song. Hold on. It comin to me. No I am thinkin of Shaniza Twain. "Who Bed Have yo Boots been Under!!!" Oooooh that was my jam back in the day! Everybody was always like who!? What?! Cuz I was always about Luther and Patti...but Shaniza? My Mom even had a conference with me. She was like, "Be proud of who you are. Our people-" And I stop her right there and say "It's just a song!!!"

The three hour tour be done boo. Giligan is dead. He done died on us boo. I used to watch that show when I was little. I didn't think it was funny, but it was very colorful with lots of moving shapes that stimalated my minds. Thats why Mama had me watched it.

Mornin

It's a good mornin today. I got up early, ate a bag of Oreos and a fruit punch, watched some Regis and Kelly and yelled at Regis for bein so old and stupid, showered with my new bottle of Pert "Sunshine Roses" scent, did my hair with my new ponytail I bought at the store and I am good to go.

I have a job interview today so yesterday I went shoppin for a new outift. I got this raspberry coat to go with my purple pants, and a yellow tank top that says "Huggy Bunny" on it, with a picture of a cute fuzzy bunny that you can actually touch and it feels like fur on it. I had lunch at this chinese place where I got five wontons for a dollar. I had 15 girl and they was so good.

I read somewheres they comin out with healthy pork rinds. 50% less fat. Look let me be blunt. Those of us who eat pork rinds...do not care about fat. If we did, we would not be eatin the pork rinds. And why are people so concerned about bein fat? Look, you only live once and girl I am gonna enjoy this life.

My neighbor (not the mean one) told me I should clean up the stoop. I told her none of that garabage wuz mines. She said it was. I said it weren't. She went back in her apartment and I went back in mine. She need to learn if it ain't my garbage ont he stoop, I ain't need to clean it up. She just mad cuz her live-in man left her cuz she crazy. It's probably his garbage on the stoop anyways. He wuz always partyin out there, leaving cigarette butts and bottles and nonsense. One time I saw him eat a burger, then just leave half of it there on the stoop and never come back to get it. For a week. I finally bang on their door and he come out denyin it was his. I showed him my camera phone pics of when I saw him do it. He laugh and cleaned it up. We became friends after that. Thats how I know she crazy- he told me the stories. I will share them later.

Time for the interview!

Tattoo Arm

I wuz drivin my friends car this mornin takin her baby to day care while she get a tooth filled. I pull out in front of this big red pick up truck a lil too close and he layed on the horn for ten seconds. I wuz on the phone with my Aunti so it is possible I cut him off. The truck stay on my behind until we went through a light. Then he pull right up beside me while we was drivin. I couldn't see his face cuz his truck so tall. I just saw this hairy tattoo arm hangin out the window. I slam on the breaks and he kept going. Then hears the crashin.

Child I look back in my mirror and ten cars was all beat up behind me cuz of my break slammin. I said a prayer that I was not involved and kept on drivin. The tattoo arm man was nowheres to be founded.

Y'all seen Britney all fat and pregnant in Us magazine? Ooh she look horrible. She don't even look like she TRYIN to be healthy. All flabby and drinkin McDonalds milkshakes. Nasty. I hope her husband go more sense than her. But have you seen him? He look like he don't know he famous. Flip flops and tank tops.

If I wuz famous I be stylin all the time every time I go out the house. I'd have a stylist on call, livin in the basement or somewheres, who be choosin my clothes and doin my hair just to go get a McDonalds milkshake.