Diet

I seen an ant on my stoop on my way to the store this morning. I watched it carry a little nugget of something on it's back. I look closer and that nugget wasn't food. It was a booger. That ant was crossing the stoop to carry a booger home to feed his queen. Ants nasty.

I read this Oprah on weight loss and I am inspired. If she can do it so cans I. Here are my resolutions:
1. Plan for special events- before upcoming parties I know I will be going to, I will not eat for the entire day beforehand.
2. No breakfast- I am going to skip breakfast cuz it only slows you down.
3. Exercise- I am going to start running again. I used to in middle school but then stop cuz this boy told me I was too skinny.
Stay tuned for a slimmer trimmer Lady Rap!!

Some have asked me my real name. Of course it is not Lady Raptastic. That is my stage name. My real name is... Hmmm... Maybe I'll keep it a mystery so when I make it big I can hide all my secrets. And there are many secrets to be hidden. One of which I will share now y'all.

I recorded a song. I can't say what song or for who or where I recorded it, but just know that I have a big old thang comin up that will rock y'all into next year!

Shoes Made me Fall

After you send them some money, read my blog post.

My morning routine is as follows: get up, dress and eat while watchin Kelly and Regis. That right I call it Kelly and Regis. Cuz really the show is all about her! He just some crumbly old man waitin to leave the show while she is a spunky funky diva be turning it out daily since she came on. I like her style. I dress like her sometimes. She had these green high heels I just had to get, so I found some and spraypainted them the right green. They was all fine and good until them heels snap in two, both of em, at the same time! It happened at this place I was eating. I had to pick up the heels, go back to my table, put them in my purse and continue my meal. I heard some giggles so I stood up and said "Yes, my heels broke. Anybody got a problem with it?" Ain't heard nothin so I said "That's what I thought! Now go on and eat yo food and don't worry about me fools!"

I told them how it was gonna be!

When I got up, I forgot my heels was off and fell right down onto the table. All the dishes came crashin down and the table pushed me into another table with these two quiet people at it. Well they went from quiet to screamin in no time. I was layin there in a puddle of pudding and steak sauce. My friend KaTawNaFey' Lincoln was there and she help me up. Them two people just stare at me and offer me napkin. I took it and wiped some relish off my face and left.

Girl next time you buy shoes, walk around in em first before you leave the store!

Grandma

Grandma and me was having sodas and Doritos (I call em 'Tos) two days ago after i got back from visiting my old boss at the hospital. She had a baby boy she name Devonte Ray Cletis. I like Devonte cuz it sound rich. I like Ray cuz it remind me of Ray Charles and Jamie Fox (Ooh he so cute, but I saw him in that airplane movie and it stank!!)...but Cletis? Ain't that a name from that Country Bear show at Disney World? Cletis? Ain't he in Dukes of Hazzard?

Anywayses me and Grandma (I call her Gramaymay) was chewin on some 'Tos, chillin on her front porch. She was tellin me bout when she met Grampy Goo. They was 25 and both workin at the World's Fair sellin foot long hot dogs. One night after work he asked her, while she was bent over scoopin the lard out the fryer, if she wanna go for a walk. They walk all over that World Fair park. Up, down, around and again, talkin and laughin. FInally they said good night. Three dates later and they was courtin, then seein eachother, then datin and finally he asked for her hand. Since they met in a foot long hot dog cart, he thought the ring should look like a hot dog. So he got his friend, this jeweler named Two-Toed Teddy to make a ring shaped like a hot dog bent around her finger. She loved it and still has it.

We polished off a bag of Cooler Ranch and since they was buy one get one free that day, we started on an original flavah bag.

When she finished her story, I told her about Devonte Ray Cletis. She said that Cletis was not a pretty name, but it's a free world and she can name her baby what she wanna name it. Thats fine I said, for a baby that ain't ugly. But this baby ugly AND stupid-named. She passed me the 'Tos and told me to shut up or she'd make me ugly. I laughed and dug up into that bag for some FLAVAH!!

Say a prayers for the victims of Katrina

Today I invoke my solemnitude on behalf of those who lost they lives and they homes. Say a prayers everybody, for these people. I seen pictures up on the tv of the devestational wreck that New Orleans is now. And that city used to be ON! And I am sure it will be soon. But for now, let's just say a prayer.

I knew this white girl name Katrina back in da day. She had this long hair and big ol hairsprayed-up bangs. She always had a bow in her hair. One day she drop it without noticing in the hallway. I seen it fall off her & just walk on without it. I scooped it up, planning on givin it the snatch. But I looked at it. It had writings on it.

"World's Best daughter"

Ooh girl I got all sad and start thinkin bout my Daddy. He died awhiles back. If I had anything like this to remember him by girl, I would kill to keep it. So instead of snatchin it, I ran up to her down the hallways and told her she drop it.

"You stole it didn't you?" she yell at me.

I calmly and collectedly tole her no and tried to explain . She did not believe me. She go on about I always stealing thing from people and I need to be arrested and put in juvie. (Back in the day i was a bit of the cleptomaniacal). She had her point. Again I calmly tole her if I had a bow like this, from my Dad, who died, I'd want it. She tole me I probably killed my dad.

It was on. I grapped her long hair and body slammed that chick onto a couch near the principal office. I took that bow and ran down the hallway screamin "This one for you Daddy! This one for you!"

The school police caught me and I went to juvie for a month. They caught me cuz that day I wore flip flops and couldn't get over that fence behind the school. From that day on I vowed to never wear flip flops again. But every summer since then they come out with these super-cheap flip flops for sale all over the place. They real junky, but cheap. When a pair wear out, I just wear them to the store, buy a new pair and throw the old pair away.

I saw Katrina when i got back from juvie. She ask me if the thing about my Dad was true. I said yeah and I did not kill him. She apologizes. We end up becomin friends for the rest of the year. And you know what? (Oooh my eyes are gettin squishy from thinkin bout it) One day she come up at me with a box. I open it up and there was a bow inside. It said "World's Best Daughter"! Mmm I have to got to cry now y'all.

Say a prayer for them Katrina victims and ya'll kiss yo daddy for me.

I hate the mens

Ok so I missed the VMAs this weekend. I forgot. DOn't shoot at me I was busy doing something else. I was helping a friend move...her stuff out her boyfriend house...and some of the stuff was his. But he deserve to be stold from. That dog treat her like a pile of noodles. He never love her and she gave him a year of her best.

See, when you give it all to a man, they treat you like dirt. Pale grey salty dirt. I gave it all to a man and he did me the same way. I made his dinner, cooked and cleaned his Momma house where he stay at, take his kids to school, bought his groceries, cut his hair, shave his corns, peel of the dead skin on his back... I mean I was HIS! You know what he did? Cheat on me.

Men dogs!

Irritate me- go on ahead!!!

I am so SICK of people irritating the hair off my head, girl!! They come up and just make you so mad you wanna pop em up in the grill. I swear next time, THE NEXT TIME some ignornat bucket headed fool come up at me with his stupid mouth I am gonna rear back and pummel that joker into next year's after-thanksgiving day saleses.

I went shopping for a watch just this last past Saturday girl. I go into Harry Winston, Saks, Bloomies...you know...where I shops at! (sike!!!!!) So I am all up in there and I SWEAR everywhere I went some wanna be rent-a-cop was up on me. When i went to tinkle up in Saks (they should be called sucks ya'll!) that cop (she a lady cop- and you know what that mean girl! She a softball-playing so-and-so mmhmmm) follow me up in the bathroom! I was there and I could hear her breathing. She stand there, pretending to wash her hands, waiting for me. She musta thought I brought some merchandise up in the pot so's I can stuff them up my dress or down my pocketbook. But girl! I do not steal...at Saks! You think I'm crazy? That place send people straight to jail. I had this friend LaQuell'twan and she work up at Macy. She said they showd her the lock up cell they hold people in when they catch em snatchin! And she said it stunk like hamburger and mace. Oooh chile!

So's anyways, I am in that bathroom and that woman still there. I finally speak. The following is a transrcupted of what I remember going down ya'll:

Me: "Hey honey. I ain't got nothing up in here but what's going down the can girl."

Her: "Ma'm I am just doing my job."

Me: "Well MAM i am trying to do a JOB too so get to steppin cuz mamma need her privacies."

Her: "Tough"

Girl I pull up them drawers faster than a taxi speedng past me to pick up a rich white woman and come up out there.

Me: "What you say honey? Tough? Oh he** no!"

But I stop. I think about it. Is it worth going to jail possibly just to show this thing who she need to be around me? Is it worth possibly having to lose my freedom and get ANOTHER black mark on my record? I thought hard...

I punched her real fast and ran out there!

Girl I am on the lambs now girl! Hahahahaha! Have fun at the softball game you stupid heffah!!!!!

Lady Rap's Entertrainments Wrap Up

So ya'll heard bout this show "Six Feet Under"? I don't know what it be. I imagine it's a reality show bout people trying to live the longest in coffins. They give them food and all, but they have to lay there. They earn rewards by like doing things in the confined space better than their competitors. Like, knitting a hat, in a coffin. That sound hard. I could do it. I knit a pink bikini for my friend Ke'Twan, baby booties for her friend baby De'Vre'te and a scarf for this bus driver I was hitting on for awhile. Hey Derrin!

Ya'll seen them Dove magazine ads with them fat women? Represent fat girls!

Courtney Love up on that Pam Anderson roast--crazy!!? She was on something that night. I had a neighboor who a drug addict one time. She try to come at you with knives, talk all out her head, steal stuff from people houses.... I caught her once, in my room, going through my drawers. I don't know how she got in but she never came back cuz I bodyslammed that fiend like a bag of dirt ya'll!

The Aeon Flux trailer look stupid! I used to watch Aeon Flux on MTV back in the day and that sh** was on!? This look stupid. What was cool about the cartoon was the way she moved and her sexiness. In the trailer, it don't look the same. It just look like a lady in a costume. Ya'll suck Aeon Flux!!

Ok that concludes my Entraintments Wrapped up!

Ya'll I heard in Holland they call Cool Ranch Doritos "American Flavor." Okkaaay!!!

Pamemela Andersons

I peeped dis pic of Pamemela Andersons on a magazine cover at the store---she lookin good! She used to be all skank and nasty (like Cherie who moved away two months ago- she so nasty she wore dukes so short both her tattooed cheeks hung out. Both cheeks. Ooh she nasty. She pierce her tongue herself ya'll. And I watched in her kitchen when she did it. Blood everywhere. She still can't eat ice no more. So glad she gone!)

So back to Miss Pam. I always thought that name be stupid. It's so old, like what moms be called in the 70's. I just picture this 40 year old white lady homemaker on drugs sitting at home with two toddlers staring off into space. Like in that movie with Nicole Kidman where she had a fake nose. That red-head lady in that movie was all crazy, almost killing her kid or leaving it or something. I forget. I was drunk.

So back to Miss Pam. She on a cover of a magazine looking great. I mean, class. Her shorts and tube top look clean! She just standing there, holding herself. And you know she thinking bout somethin sweet, like her kids. She cool people.

Madonna broke her head on a horse. That what she get for ridin around tryin to be english when she know she detroit people. I rode a horse once when i was little. I fell off too. Ooh I cried! My Momma gave me a sucker and I shut up. But my butt still hurted.

I am in the project

Girl I was up in a real studio today girl. Not one of them nasty ones in some playa's basement where he smokin up while you tryin to lay beats, but a real studio with them egg shell things up on the walls. Girl, somethin goin down with me girl. I got a PROJECT! (and not one I live in neither, ya'll haters!!) I am working on something super secret. So secret they made me sign some stuff about not tellin nobody. Girl it's like the CIA up in that mug! I am not lyin!

But anyways I put down some lyrics and I hope they good cuz I worked hard on them. The people real nice. They had a lunch break and we all got to go to this restraunt with all the high fancy waiters and three water glasses and all this. Girl I never ate so much potatoes in m y life girl! I must've had thre helpings. You know I had to unbutton that top button after that girl. Momma wuz bustin OUT!

Anways we went back to the studio and I fell asleep cuz of all that food. They try to wake me up but I thought they was the police and in my sleep I hit the producer in the forehead with my elbow and shot straight up onto my feet, wig all falling down, ready to drop kick a brotha. Girl, once I woke up I was laughin. They wuz not but I do not care. Lady Rap is LAdy Rap and she on like a Christmas goose!

Anyways, look out world. Lady Rap on the attack! Step back!

Secrets and the lady done tell them

I was at a house party for Dante mamma graduation from hair school Sunday and I overheards a little birdy yappin. And ooh girl it wuz juicy! I want to share it all with you, but I am of the classy breeding and do not gossip. On line. Call me and we talk.

I had been drinkin all afternoon just having a good old time with Dante people. They crazy some of them (in the good way), but most of them fun and sweet. Me and a couple they cousin got to laughin fits so many times people thought we was high. We were. I chewed on some bbq (that was good and not dry! Finally!), listened to some old school and just chilled all day. It was going great. So relaxing. The sun was shining, the neighboors were not home (or they was hiding in they houses), the kids was splashin around in the kiddee pool someone brought, and I was being checked out by Dante and his friends more than once. I got me a number and gave mine out to...well, that my secret. But if he readin, he know who he be. Hey boy. You cute. You want some all you gotta do is ask and yer shall receive.

Excuse me! I am all hot and bonothered now! Whew! Ok, back to the story at the hand... I was having a grand old Sunday out in the back yard and decide to go up into Dante mamma house for some air conditioning. Her house real old and probably ain't been redecorated in twenty years. But thats what yo mamma house should look like, right? Plastic flowers in cheap ceramic vases, brown furniture with butt prints and the arms all rubbed on, velvet portraits of cat, family photos from Olan Mills turn all yellow (even though the salespeople lie when they selling them to you and tellin you they never yellow)...you know. Mamma house! So I go in and lay down on a bed in a side room. Well, there a bedroom next door to the one I was in, and in that bedroom two lady folk be talking. And girl, they too drunk and too loud for what they chattin about. Mens, pills, secrets, people mammas, babies that ain't theys...If I had a pencil I would have writ it all down and written a scandalous book! Watch out Jackie Collinses!

I heard them walk out and I let out a little giggle. They done heard me and come in my room. They ask what I giggling at. I say, I thought of a funny episode of my stories and it made me laugh. THey ask me if I heard them and I say no. They told me I was lying and start punching at me. Girl I get my crazy strength and throw both they butts off myself and get on up out that house. I found a kid bike and rode it two blocks before the chain broke. The kid momma got in her car and follow me. When she caught up with me, we had words and she won. I tossed the bike in her trunk and we made plans to hang out next weekend cuz she know I good people and I know I'll get that bike back.

Anyways, there a sale at Old navy today girl and Momma need a new short set. Momma bringing the big purse so if you need something I'll pick it up for you with my five-fingered discunt. Okaaaay!!!

Larry My Boo Ya'll!!!

Girl I hit the sale of all sales yestaDAY! Ooh it was so on, it was like on had never been turned on before. This store I went to, Larry's, had a going-out-of-their-business sale and I just happened to be walking by their window. I walked in just to get out of the heat and also to peep they stuff. Let me just say girl I was so happy I did.

My bargainzzz:

-tube top (two sizes smaller than what I wear but oh well, the club is dark) that says "crunchy" on the front and then "soft" on the back. OK!!! ($2)

-four pair of dukes (one with grey fringe and a pumpin stencil on the crack, one with a horse head and rainbow pattern all around the entire duke, one with them fake jewelrys pimped up all on the stitching and one just plain old day-glo orange pair that be like running short materrrial) I tired each pair on in just my bra and was too lazy to throw a shirt on so I just went out to the mirrors without one. People was bugging but I was like oh well. ($5 each)

-a gold belt with lucky charms at the end. This one is on!!! I can wear this with anything (and I can even wear it as a bikini bottom when i go to the pool if no kids is around and I bring my cover-up makeups- I have some discoloration from when I sat in a puddle of Tarkeshia's bleaching cream she NEGLECTED to tell me that was up on her toilet seat when i was watching her try to be Mickael Jackson. Ooh that girl got a beat down that morning! ($5)

-three doo rags (these was a dime a piece) with Snoopy on top. They cute but they just for laundry days when I don't have my herr didz.

-a backetball jersey dress with a team name called "Sugah Uh Huh"!!! I thought it wa so cute I bought one for me and one for my friend Anyche'. We gonna be on the same team when we go to the club!

What I stole:

-three packs of them cheap white socks with the balls on the back. I just think they so cute and remind of when I was before the puberties.

-a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom. I am out at home. I figure I can keep on doing this until I get tired of the cheap stuff stores and places put up in they facilities. You can always double up so it's not that one little skinny layer your fingers rip through when you rub yo tank.

-a manakin hand- I just thought it was cute and I can put my ringz up on it for accessoryz storages.

-a bucket hat- again, for laundry days and running around without my wig.

bye ya'll!

Jesus Music

Girl I was up in a bodega and I heard them playing the Lord's music on a little radio. It was that new Christian-rock music. I grabbed my strawberry soda and stuck a meat stick and two bags of Funyuns up in Momma purse and rolled on up to the counter. I axed the man why he was playing it. He was one of them jumpy easily-irritated menses who you ask one thing and they jump all down your face. He start talkin at me a mile a minute and then got yellin and I was not going to take this. I just axed a questrion. So I took that meat stick out my purse and bopped him one on his head. Well he went even more nutso-crazy cuz I hadn't paid for the meat stick. I slapped him again with it and threw it at him. He told me to get out. I yelled I would never come back to his extablishment and he had the nerve, THE NERVE to tell me he never wanted me in his little dump again.

Ooh girl i was so mad I walked out and these kids was playing checkers....girl I slapped that bored and all them pieces be flyin everywheres. The, kids just sat there scareded. I turn around to apologize and they daddy come up at me. Oooh, he fine girl. I told him and them two little girls I was sorry and the daddy and me walk over to the other bodega for a soda and some talking. I gave him my number and we gonna hit it or at least ride a bus somewheres for a drink. Ooh maybe I can get him to take me to Rumpshaker Ball coming up in three weeks.

Ooh! Ya'll this site is on!

I bought a chicken leg at the mini mart up near my house a ways down. It was good,too. I was walkin round just doing a whole bunches of nothing, and I got that leg and ate it up. It wa sso good I turned around and bought another ones. and that one was good before I even got out of the store girl! So's I didn't have to backtrack for another one, I went over to the case for a third one and you know what? They's empty girl. I was like "Oh sir! You got a problem. The chicken heater thing is empty." He told me they don't get a delivery for another hour. I knew he was lying so I walked up to the bullet-proof counter and told him point black to go into the freezer, get him the chicken and put it on the spit while I waited. He said no. I said I wasn't leavin till I got it ad I sat down on whatever was behind me. It ended up being an open, empty box. I fell down into it. The box ripped. MY hands went back to my backside and my legs flew up. I was wearing a skirt and it flew up. I looked up and he was staring right at my lady place.

Ooh! I letted him have it girl. I was trying to get up. MY jean jacket was caught on the bottom of a chips holder shelf thing so that fell right on top of me. I was covered in pretsels and cheetos. My legs went higher and my skirt, well, it was up around my neck. I turned over on my stomach and pushed up through the pile. He came out of his bullet proof box and well, I pulled him down into the pile faster than a bus hit a walker on the highway.

I look at him real close to my face, sweating and panting.

To be continued...

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Girl I am One with Myselves

I am so peaceful this morning. Sing along: "Ain't nothing gonna breaka my stride! Ain't nothing gonna hold me down! Oh no! I got to get my groove on!"

So this morning I was dropping my neighbor baby off up at the day care for her cuz she got a flaat tire and had to take the bus and I was off this morning so she gave me $10 to go to McDonalds with her baby, feed the baby some fries (and myself the pancake platter, three hashbrowns a large coke and a ice cream cone! Holla!) and then thake her baby to day care. And it was a nice morning, you know. Nothing going on. Got the baby that ain't mine in a cute stroller. Got my shades on (them cute pink ones with the unicorn head on the right...later on I am getting the Fendi ones for Xmas when I get enough money okaaaay!), eating my food and walking. And I was just slammed with a thought- this is a good day.

You know when you have bad day after bad day- you fall down off the bus when somebody push you, it rains when you can't find an umbrella to steal, your nail chip off right after you spend all afternoon doing them... You get them thoughts all in your head and start thinking everyday suck, and you forget that somedays, like today, is good ones!

So while I was scooping them last little fries from the sack and pushing that baby (it ain't mine thanks the lord) I looked up at the sky and just gave a little shout out to the Lord cuz he gave me a nice day!

Parade for Tiki

There was a parade last night near my house for something. I forget what it was cuz I was drunk. Me and Ke'Shawn, La Trell, Pe-Shawn, Devin, Toto, Lil Mufasa, Ebony, Rai' Quawnn and Tiki all went out for TIki's birthday. When we came out the club, this parade was going on. Pretty late for a parade if you ask me. We was all drunk so we all holla at the people in it.

Tiki turn 30. Ooh lord time flies. I remember when we was 15, getting boys, skipping school. She were crazy. I love me some Tiki. One time we skip school and go down to this store and she dared me to steal something. I was all scared (nowadays you aks me to steal and i do it with my eyes closed okaaaay!?) I go in, grab a twinkie and make myself a hot dog and run out. The guy run after me. I was so scared I dropped the hot dog on the way out. He step on it and fell down. Ooh we ran and laughed. I was laughing so hard I had to stop. She kept on running and got hit by a car at the intersection. That car drove away and I had to carry her on my back to my house so we coud tell our parents. Tiki never did walk right after that. Just like I never walk right after I get my swerve on with a man.

Oooooh!

And until we meet again. Tookaloo!

Fast Food People Stupid

I am babysitting a friend's car this week and ooh I got road rage this morning! First, I go through a drive through and they try to tell me what I normally order was two dollars more today than it has ever been every time I have ordered it in the past. Ooh I let them have it. I said to them under no uncertain terms that I woud not be paying that amount and if they wanted to fight to come out and I would remove my jewelry for a mid-morning boxing match so's I could get my food for the price I deserved it to be. Okkaaaay? They look at me like I crazy and just handed me my food, free of the charges! I peeled out and yelled "Suckaaaaaz!" and ran right into this stupid bush that was in the way I didn't see cuz I was looking at their little window. Now that made me mad. I got out of the car and jacked that bush up out the ground and throw it at their window. They closed it just before it hit. Dirt sprayed everywhere and I got a little sweaty. But it was worth it to let some of that aggerivasiveness out of my body.

Tonight I am driving to Club Hijinx cuz they do free valley parking! It is going to be on like Luther in Heaven.

Tipped Toenails

Ooh, I saw this white girl with these open toe flip flops at the park yesterday and she had her toes tipped with a white line across them. I'm gonna do that this afternoon. But first I gotta cut them toenails. I hate doing it. I do it about once every six months or so.

I don't like cutting my toenails cuz my Auntie Dee was cutting her toenails on the porch one morning when I was nine. She sneezed and accidently chop two of her toes off. She fainted. I come out, blood everywhere. I start hollering and a neighboor come over to see what was up. She a nurse and she bandaged my Auntie Dee up good. Then she look at me and start accusing me of chopping her toes off. I said i didn't do it, but the nurse lady said she knowd I did. We was hollering and carrying on until my Auntie worke up. My auntie hear what was going on, and because she was embarrassed that she done chop her toe off, she start cursing at me and blaming me too. I look at my Auntie and this nurse so-and-so and I start to cry. They stop yelling and feel bad, come over and try to give me a hug. But I knew they was triflin so once they got close enough I grabbed the back of they heads and slam them together like two head cymbals. They start screaming and I runned out the door, got on my bike and rode off I don't know where to. Probably to the store for a sucker and then to the ditch to lie down and throw stones at the rats.

And that's why i got these long toenails. But stay tuned cuz I'll put some pictures up of my new oneses (if I can get acamera from somebody. Probably Tina. She got one)

Nicholas Cage Make me so MMmmmmm!!

Ooh I just saw this man in these really short shorts. At first I thought "Ooh, boy, put your Mama's shorts back in her drawer!" But he lookeded good! Dang now I am all bothered up! It's like when i watch movies with a certain actor in them: Nicholas Cage. Ooh! That white man is hot like a raging fire in the planes of Africa! When i saw him in that movie about that map and the treasure hunt I had to excuse myself several times cuz I was about to faint, okaaaay!? He just so.....UGH!!! I got the map, Nicholas! Now you gotta find the treasure! Ookkkkkaaaaaay!!!

A brick in the purse is worth two watches

I interupted a young man on the corner to ask him the time and he said "Time to buy a watch." I look at him and ask "And how would I buy a watch right now, this very second, sir? I am on a street corner. There is no watch shop in my visage." (I learnt that word from my friend- ain't it good!!) He saw my point and began to back away as i came at him with my purse. I caught him and beat his head in with my purse. He got it good too cuz there was a brick in there from last night. (I carry a brick in my purse when I go to this one club. You know how it is ladies..." Anywayses I ran down the street laughing while he lay there all crying and stuff. Shoulda gave me the time dumba**!

Okaaay!!

You ever get a biscuit and it be dry and crack off in mid-bite and go all over your shirt? And not only that, but the biscuit got butter sitting on top and the butter get on your shirt when the biscuit crack off? I am not going back to "Biscuit Express" ever again because of this reason. I ruined a perfectly good tube top from the "better sportswears" department at Wal Mart all in the name of a cheap biscuit. McDonald make a better biscuit okaaay!! I am going back to see Ronald and get a good biscuit tomorrow morning.

My tv broke so I am missing my stories. It's been broke for about a year now. One day I'll go get me a new one and get me some cable and a six pack of chocolate milk and try to catch up and see what they all be doing.

You seen Diana Ross these days? Her hair too long to be an afro-styled. She mess.

I will cut a ho at the store

Girl I made a complete fool of myselves. I was up in the store buying a bag of peanuts when I slipped on a roach I didn't see and fell down. In mid-fall my arms went all berkeded and I hit a metal stand holding oven mits. Those went down. I hit a macaroni and cheese display case. That went down. And my leg slammed into this lady's cart and she and the cart went down. Oooh I was so embarrassed! I just had to start laughing at myselves.

The lady got up and started cursing me. I told her it was an accident and that I was sorry, but she went on. She called me this and that and it got very old very quicklike. So I got up, untwisted my legs from the pile of oven mitts and mac and cheese and beat her up. She screamed for me to stop but I kept saying to her, as I body slammed her fat butt repeatedly, "I said I was SORRY and you can't take SORRY for an answer so maybe a BODY slam will make you see that you should have taken SORRY in the first place!"

Of course, as always, I ran out of the store when the manager come up at me. He had the nerves to carry and wave a broom at me. I grabbed that broom and knocked him and the check out boy he brought with him out in two swipes of that broom. They know me there from previous altervacations.

You ever been hungry and grabbed a bouilion cube to gnaw on? It's like powdered beef jerkey. It's good.

Oprah Stupid

I was up at the gym this fine morning getting the metrabolizm going on the elyptrical machine when I was reading an old O magazine article about her Legends weekend. The ladies she deemed legends (and who else but Oprah could be left to this task?) was good. They all did their thang for us youngins in the days. But one legend was missing. Whitney! She is definitely a legend. Ok, so she might be a youngin too. But she definitely belong with them. I need to steal me some cable so I can she her show. I heard she talk about doo doo. Thats my GIRL! And they daughter looks like a little girl with Bobby Brown's face slapped up on it. She is ugly.

What happened to Kelis? She sang that Milkshake song and then took a flight to nowhere-land. She need to make another jam so she ain't no one hit wonder. Someone find her and bring her back.

I hate people who talk loud who don't know they talk loud. I slapped a girl on her mouth one time in a sandwich store when she was talking on her cell phone so loud we all knew the sex of her cousin baby. We got throwd out but it was worth it cuz at least she shut up.

Hott Traxx from yo baby girl!

Ok so yall know I throw rhyme like a tuna melt at Dennys right? Hot and perfect. And smell like fish. hehe! No i kidding about that fish part cuz this tank is clean and ready for service. beep beep hey toot toot! I smell like apple and cakeses.

Ok so I got a card passed to me up at the club one night cuz Tarkeshia told this guy I throw rhyme and he got a hold of me threw her. I don't know how they met but girl I am like Mariah shoving her demo tape in Tommy Matolla's fat face cuz he wanted to hear my rhymes and as soon he said that BOOM I was like "Her ya go boo!"

So I am waiting to hear back from him. He real ugly but his business card nice. I should get business cards. What should they look like? Ooh I know girl- purple with glitter on the back and just my name on the front in cursif! I am going to draw something out. But rightnow mama gotta eat! Can you say McRib! chomp!!! okaaaay!!!??

A doll head in my lap

It's raining outside. When it rains I get all innerds and think about my past transtegressions and my lifes...

When I was little I stole a doll from a drugstore near my Grandmama's house. The owner was this old man who drank milkshakes all day and never locked his cash drawer. It was safe in the day, remember? Now it's all security cams and shoot first ask questions tomorrow! Ok!? Anyways, I stold this doll and came home and was playing with it when my Grandmama came in. She asked me where I got the doll. I told her I stole it. She leaned into me with a sour look in her old wrinkly skinny face and said "Nice doll." She snatched it out of my hands faster than a gumdrop fall out your mouth when someone smack you on the back and ripped it's head off. She threw the head in my hands and she kept the body and walked out.

I sat there, with this blonde doll head in my lap. I cried.

That day I learnt something. Don't steal. Cuz someone can steal the stuff you stole from you. And then the stealing you did was all nult and voided out.

I'm hungry for a Kit Kat.

People Make me So Madddd!

hey girl-

Today I was in line for a hot dog at the place I go for good hot dogs. I would tell you but then you might tell other people and then the whole place will be all busy and stupid with people. Uh-uh. It's my secret hot dog place so don't badger me. And they're hot dogs are good too. Real big and fat and juicy and filling. And you get all the chili and cheese you want. Sometimes i take a bag of cheetos and crumble them up on top of it. MMmmmmm.

So I was in line for a hot dog and this man in front of me was reading off a list. I think he was buying for the entire city block cuz the list was three pages long in a little yellow notebook. Oooh! I was so mad. This is a line full of people just wanting on ehot dog, but thiz numb-brained fool got twenty orders. I tapped him on the shoulder and I said "Excuse me. We are all hungry back here. We are here, in the hot sun, getting our own hot dogs while your friends or coworkers or whoever these people are to you, are sitting back wherever they are in the cool air conditioning. So how about you be a polite man, cuz you already big and strong and handsome (gotta butter them up before you take them down), and why don't you step out of line, let us order, then place your order."

He laughed at me and turned around.

Oooh no. Ooh no! I am getting mad right now just thinking about it. I pulled on his shoulder, he turned around and I slugged him so hard he fell into the building. His little notebook swiped up into the air and I caught it! I ran away as fast as my bigg butt in heels and a loose weave could travel without falling down and apart. I ducked into a Burger King with them nice garbage cans that talk 9those are so cute) and the cops that were near the hot dog place passed me by.

Ooh! I am running from the law girl!

Pick Your Nose Girl!

You ever get caught picking your nose?That happened to me today. I said "Stop looking i got work to do." They walked away and I said "That's what I thought." They mumbled something under they breath and I screamed "If you got something to SAY then say it, do NOT mumble it, Mr MUMBLES!" He kept on walking. I laughed.

So ladies, if you want to pick your nose, pick it. Pick! It! Get that stuff out of there. Just don't do it in public if you can. Step into the lady can and do it there. Wipe it on a napkin or a paper towel or the wall and then get on back out there. So not feel bad- everybody got em, everybody picks em!

Oooh I cannot get enough of this new cotton candy gum, girl. It's so on! it tastes like a mouthful of that stuff. Mmmm. I feel like that fat blueberry girl up in Charleu and his Chocolate Factories who couldn't get enough of that gum. I have a pack every three days and I DO NOT SHARE. I am sorry, but when you got something good, keep it cuz people eill take it from you.

Weave saves the day

I need to get a skin peel. If I had $45 i could go to the Mearl Norman near my house and get it done by this lady there named Estelle. Estelle did me two months ago and I was happy. She turned it out. I bought some nail polish that same day and then returned it the next day when i found out the color clashed with my permanent pinky nail color.

Call me Magyver. I got locked in a public bathroom stall today. Luckliy I had this loose weave strand that I had been just dying to yank out. I went to this lady and got a cheap one done a month ago. I will NEVER go back to her. I would publish her name here but she would probably sue or something ignorrent like that. Anyways I took the weave, tied it to the top of the stall and pulled myself. I ended up falling down on the floor on the way down, but this lady was there to break my fall. Ooh!